Question bout ex gang members and their past

[Jono86]

I was interested in the whole blood and crips culture when i was younger, i do have some questions nowadays, how do ex gang members deal with the trauma and stuff that has happened in their past iwould assume alot of members would have been exposed to murder, rape, violence, and many other things, im sure it would affect them at times, so how would they cope with that??

[bumperjack]

Medication!!!

[HungryWolf]

That's right, bumper!

Hate will fuel your rage, -> DRUGS WILL GET YOU HIGH <-,
money buys respect, love will get you by.

[bumperjack]

To live by choice, not by chance, To be motivated, not manipulated, To be useful, not used, To make changes, not excuses, To excel, not compete.

I choose self-esteem, not self- pity, I choose to listen to my inner voice, not to the random opinion of others, I choose to do the things that you won't so I can continue to do the things you can't
(The wisdom Warrior.com) that also was a good saying my german bruder hungryWolf check out the wisdom warrior???

[silentwssj]

It is funny because soldiers always get special treatment for PTSD! Gang members cant really fall back on that because there life story would be looked down upon! I have meet someone recently who is a former gang member who was diagnosed with PTSD though! As for myself, I have definitely been around the block a time or two! All the violence that I experienced has made me hyper aware! I am always reading people, checking tattoos, figuring out who next to me, relying on my senses, life experiences, and most of all my inner voice! My wife trips out on me from time to time because I am always thinking about things that other people are oblivious to! It would be hard to catch me "slippin" though and she knows that! As far as how it affects me? I guess you could say that I am ready for anything at all times because I have seen a lot and know that danger is lurking around every corner! I do experience violence in my dreams from time to time! It is usually me fighting Southerners. I always get irritated because my arms and legs feel like cement in my dreams. I am usually fighting but I feel like I cant really move! Dreams are crazy! I also have drug related dreams a lot as well. I have been clean and sober for almost 11 years now! In my dreams I find myself getting high with my Homies and feel disappointed in myself only to wake up and realize that it was only a dream!

[MMRbkaRudog]

My legs can feel like cement in dreams to. Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually moving around a lot in my dreams

It is funny because soldiers always get special treatment for PTSD! Gang members cant really fall back on that because there life story would be looked down upon! I have meet someone recently who is a former gang member who was diagnosed with PTSD though! As for myself, I have definitely been around the block a time or two! All the violence that I experienced has made me hyper aware! I am always reading people, checking tattoos, figuring out who next to me, relying on my senses, life experiences, and most of all my inner voice! My wife trips out on me from time to time because I am always thinking about things that other people are oblivious to! It would be hard to catch me "slippin" though and she knows that! As far as how it affects me? I guess you could say that I am ready for anything at all times because I have seen a lot and know that danger is lurking around every corner! I do experience violence in my dreams from time to time! It is usually me fighting Southerners. I always get irritated because my arms and legs feel like cement in my dreams. I am usually fighting but I feel like I cant really move! Dreams are crazy! I also have drug related dreams a lot as well. I have been clean and sober for almost 11 years now! In my dreams I find myself getting high with my Homies and feel disappointed in myself only to wake up and realize that it was only a dream!

[MMRbkaRudog]

To live by choice, not by chance, To be motivated, not manipulated, To be useful, not used, To make changes, not excuses, To excel, not compete.

I choose self-esteem, not self- pity, I choose to listen to my inner voice, not to the random opinion of others, I choose to do the things that you won't so I can continue to do the things you can't
(The wisdom Warrior.com) that also was a good saying my german bruder hungryWolf check out the wisdom warrior???

I came across an interview with the author of Wisdom Warrior on YouTube and plan to check it out. Never read any of his books, but maybe I will.

[bumperjack]

Wisdom warrior has knowledge all his stuff are good reads

[SisterBrim]

When I begin to get clean in 1990 I just did what others did, Not put no drugs or alcohol in but I was nuttier than a fruitcake. I talked and acted like I was still banging letting people know I would take them down or wait for them on the side of a building, give them the eye or that look and people would back up from me. I begin going to the library (used go to John Muir Library in Los Angeles as a kid) again and reading books on self esteem, values and morals. I begin noticing how straight women acted and saw the difference that I lacked. I saw women taking their mothers and sisters to lunch or what have you. I saw men taking their women out to dinner or the club and no fights or shootings erupted. I actually saw people cry at funerals that finished to the end and cry at weddings without passing out or starting a fight. I knew something was missing inside me but didn't quite no how to bring about a change until I really started going to AA meetings and worked the 12 steps. I started looking at the bad in me and didn't like what I saw and AA helped me to change that. the books I read at the library helped also. I been clean 23 1/2 years and after 11 years being sober I figure it couldn't get any better but it has. i'm more tolerant of others so long as their not fucking with me. you can tell all the lies you want and that don't bother me too much but you will know why I don't hang with you cause i'm not really for all that drama anymore and you don't have to lie cause its ur life. i just cant trip that way anymore and dont want to. I go to church. I still get pissed, I still want to control, I still think I can whip ass like a OG Thugg although my hands hurt constanly. I still have dope dreams. I still dream about being a Lady Brim in South Central LA hanging with my Brims. I dream about Lil Country still and know that I made it off easy with his death cause if he was still here no telling where i would be. I glad I went and got my GED 34 YEARS OLD. I also took a test which said I could only go to school for lower paying carrees because my mind was messed up and I enrolled in college and took Cosmetolgy course and got my license but continued in college and got a Substance Abuse Certificate. All the classes I took in SB helped me think more about my life than about others. So I can say it taking a lot of re educating my mind (brain washing) lol but I am more content than I ever been in my life. I don't hang with many people and I don't hang with violent people. MOST OF ALL I BELIEVE IN JESUS CHRIST AND I'M SAVED.

[bumperjack]

You know sister brim god has a plan for those who are saved from gangbanging 5 of my homies from the hood are now Ministers he is worked miracles through them years ago I got out of prison already saved in prison by the blood of the lamb. He called me to the pupit my homeboy and I gave my testimony in front of 25 or so ppl its a small church in Watsonville, California 3 years later I slipped fell and Recieved another prison sentence of 10 years that was already my 3rd term after spending half my life in 13 prisons in 2 states Im truly blessed to have 2 of my homegirls and a half dozen original VSL Locos back in my life that god has saved,what some of us that are god fearing brothers and sisters need to know god choose his diciples who were ruthless killers take david he had killed mutiple men and had alot of blood on his hands,yes King David,God has a plan and purpose for us all peace out sister brim stay grounded just wanted to share peace out bumperjack from way back

[SisterBrim]

Thanks my fellow x gangbrother. It hasn't been a easy road to stay focus because people either makes you want to hurt them or their is suckers running around loose that's looking to be hurt, but I'm learning to let me make it not them. I learning to allow people to be where they at and get the hell out the way. I'm no one's judge and jury lol. I still think sometimes I know whats best for everyone but I don't. I encourage you to continue trying for a better way. When I was back in Los Angeles for the pass 3 years, I did see my old Brim set but they did not push me to be around them. We are older now and for sho lol if a gang got after me (I can only speak for me) hell I can't run anymore and I barley can duck if someone was shooting at me. So I think they understand why I didn't hang out and plus they know I'm not the same. I don't smoke cigaretts, crack, sherm and I don't drink and all I can talk about is God, my pass as I remember it and what I been doing since I got off of drugs and the younger ones didn't talk with me. When they found out I was Lil Country's old lady they asked questions but that was it. So the way I'm now they are happy to see me but probably more happier when I left. lol and that was cool too. Cause in my heart, I will always be a Lady Brim and no one can take that from me. Hell I was Brimming be4 Lil Country came alone and after he died. But that's not where I'm at being 57 years old. When I was a child I acted like a child finally I saw the light (God's Light) and put those childish things away. I don't allow no one to hinder me in life and I feel like mentally and physically I paid my dues acting a fool when I was young. I regret my pass but I can't change it, it's a done deal but I don't have to continue being ignorant. Pick yourself up and move forward and stay outta Mr Governments jail houses. Peace be with each of you and I mean that.

[SisterBrim]

I don't hold any malice toward anyone today. Like the person wrote even a thug need love. I believe that you got be able to give it back too. Yet to continue banging and hurting people and seeing people hurt needlessly is now beyond me. When we died we can't take nuthing with us and while we live we really don't own what we have. I still have love the bangers but this sista is too old for that now. Lil Country was shot with a 22 rifle and after being shot the first thing he did from what I heard was go down and begin throwing up but he lived 3 days dead. he never regained cousiousness. I can attest to the vomit & blood because it was on his leather coat & shirt which I keep for 10 years

[SisterBrim]

I got to tell y'all this lmao; I am on crazy meds too. I take a low dose to keep me calm because when not on it I become very aggressive. So it helps to keep me out of trouble. no I don't be high just level. They want me on 80 mils but i take 20. I'm still a legend in my own mind. lol loving and living life mayb not the way you wanted but it's going a better way. God's way and sometimes mines. lol

[Sentenza]

I got to tell y'all this lmao; I am on crazy meds too. I take a low dose to keep me calm because when not on it I become very aggressive. So it helps to keep me out of trouble. no I don't be high just level. They want me on 80 mils but i take 20. I'm still a legend in my own mind. lol loving and living life mayb not the way you wanted but it's going a better way. God's way and sometimes mines. lol

Thats what happens to 99% of the people involved. There are only people who pretend otherwise. Its all an act. People act hard. But they cry in their pillow for their closest friend who died, about all the stuff they have done because of all the regrets. There is that percentage of psychopaths and killers who dont care, but most people are getting severely affected. They are just acting that they arent. Most of these people out there arent as hard as they portray themselves out to be.

[bumperjack]

That's great testimony from a xgangbangers ways, you have to leave that life behind in some way shape or form,the casket or prison,xgangbanging sister,God is good the streets are tuff and turf to protect is them youngsters now,if they only new? Sisterbrim ,I know people who feel like they've wasted years of their lives because of poor choices,I've spent years in prisons and relationships as well that were toxic,years with a addiction,years in 13 different prisons in California and Nevada,but you have to realize,nothing we have been through is ever wasted. Your past experiences,good and bad have deposited something on the inside of you. Those challenges have sharpened you, to make you who you are today.peace be with you all the lumberjack from way back triple O.G

[bumperjack]

Sentenza ,99% huh?well I'm not sure I agree I'm a sociopath and I have no regrets at all and now after most of my adult life living behind bars and who lived a Crime and punishment life in 13 state prisons. I have made a life in Society,and I am a living example a psychopathic person whose behavior was antisocial,often criminal and who lacked a understanding of living in a free society,for many years has made it so far in the free world for the last 39 months,take it acting hard is a front for only those who are soft behind closed doors on there pillow but that's not a 99% of us,as I know your a European person with no background in the biggest prison system in the free world California.

[Sentenza]

Sentenza ,99% huh?well I'm not sure I agree I'm a sociopath and I have no regrets at all and now after most of my adult life living behind bars and who lived a Crime and punishment life in 13 state prisons. I have made a life in Society,and I am a living example a psychopathic person whose behavior was antisocial,often criminal and who lacked a understanding of living in a free society,for many years has made it so far in the free world for the last 39 months,take it acting hard is a front for only those who are soft behind closed doors on there pillow but that's not a 99% of us,as I know your a European person with no background in the biggest prison system in the free world California.

So you have never ever felt pain, regrets, misery about your lost ones, the stuff you did?

Im just saying, there's a certain percentage of people who cant feel anything at all. Those people are pathologic cases.
But most are acting the part that they have never been or never felt weak. Most people actually regret the stuff they did at some point in their lifes.
In gang life or the streets, you have to make it look like you are untouchable. But its an act for most people. Theres only a few people who dont look back.

[bumperjack]

Sentenza, you have made a point for sure, and to tell you the truth, I was into gangs at a very young age,(12) and weakness and fear had no place, It is often masked as it is a fasade!, I will agree, some continue on the path of destruction and some derail, some are saved from that LIFE(Me) after 3 prison numbers 13 prisons in 2 states later,do I have any regrets (NO) why I lived that life with no reguards to societys rules anti-social behavior and still have it to this day, you have to care to a degree to survive in the free world? threw hurt and pain I gained wisdom throughout these years, I been shot stabbed and lived to tell about it, I was shot in 2010 by tower Shotguns I sustained over a dozen pellets into my skin,all kinds of pain I endured in this Lifestyle, bashed over the head by trash can lids in Riots in California& Nevada streets and prisons,I been through alot and have a reguard for life Now,do I have feelings yes are they altered yes will I help someone yes I have changed for sure But im still mentally challenge untouchable is Nobody in the gang world my friend everybody can fall and rise to power my friend

[Sentenza]

Sentenza, you have made a point for sure, and to tell you the truth, I was into gangs at a very young age,(12) and weakness and fear had no place, It is often masked as it is a fasade!, I will agree, some continue on the path of destruction and some derail, some are saved from that LIFE(Me) after 3 prison numbers 13 prisons in 2 states later,do I have any regrets (NO) why I lived that life with no reguards to societys rules anti-social behavior and still have it to this day, you have to care to a degree to survive in the free world? threw hurt and pain I gained wisdom throughout these years, I been shot stabbed and lived to tell about it, I was shot in 2010 by tower Shotguns I sustained over a dozen pellets into my skin,all kinds of pain I endured in this Lifestyle, bashed over the head by trash can lids in Riots in California& Nevada streets and prisons,I been through alot and have a reguard for life Now,do I have feelings yes are they altered yes will I help someone yes I have changed for sure But im still mentally challenge untouchable is Nobody in the gang world my friend everybody can fall and rise to power my friend

Wasnt meant as no degrading or demeaning idea...Which thug doesnt cry, or doesnt mourn the loss of their years spent in prison or the people who died....? Anyone who tells me he hasnt been desperate or hopeless at any point of his life isnt real to me. Always being strong without no weaknessess is some fairy tale shit, imaginary superman shit. Whoever says that hes never been punked or been weak is fake to me.
You gain wisdom through the lessons you learn and you rise to the top from failures. Like they said, an expert is someone who made all mistakes possible.

[HungryWolf]

Well, someone could say it like this: smile now, cry later.

Not only is that a code of the streets, but in all terms regarding life. It's not about not crying, it's about not showing your tears. Anyone with any feelings inside of himself would be a liar if claiming never to feel bad. The difference is how often you feel bad and how you come to terms with it. If you feel bad all day long because of certain decisions you made and always need someone to whine to then you are not made for that life.
But if you stick to your decisions and handle situations where there is only bad or worse that's what makes toughness. And those ppls tears make the difference between being weak and being real, if u know what i mean.

[bumperjack]

Both have valid points being weak and showing weakness is another story,I have made a lot of bad choices and I payed the price for them mistakes,ding dong ding no big thing,there are no superman in this world,Before you can give a ass beating you have to endure plenty my friend,and I have took many, being tuff and acting tuff is two different ways of being the guy who acts tuff is really a punk and yes we all have feelings and those who don't are usually in prison for life or dead so minus them,thug and gangsters are two different types of people Sentenza, I'm comfortable in my own skin I was a street gang member,also a alleged Prison gang member, Like I said I have No Regrets, I live a clean life,crime free, I live a life of many bad choices and nobody is to blame I'm a writer a poet and have a bachelors degree in history,all my years incarcerated were not wasted years I earned a degree in prison I utilized my time in a positive way to a degree let's say,Sentenza I see your point and it is well taken my European Street gang user California has the biggest penal System in the free World and I did time in 7 out of 35 prisons I've seen not it all but a lot grew up being tuff not acting tuff I've seen guys with tattoos all over there body to look hard and when they get in a confrontation they fold like a chair Why to hide there fear,guys that are real would rather show you then tell you real gangsters are men of action not words because they are cheap(Talk is cheap) I was wrongly identified in 1993 as a prison gang member but never debriefed because I new a lot of them,and they were friends of mine,over the years,I have no agenda or acts to grind and if my story can get one kid on the right road to success, I have done my job in this free world,Sentenza I really don't know your position or point in all that you speak,What is your point and position in this discussion my friend,are you a gang activist?Law Enforcement?, Or simply a man who wish he lived a life to speak of?Let's here your background if you don't mind sharing or have nothing to hide?

[silentwssj]

Hey everyone! I am back from a grueling 11 days straight of working out of town! I made a lot of money, but I am Dog tired as well! I wish I had internet access out there, but, unfortunately I don't! Anyhow, good stuff going on here! SisterBrim, welcome to the discussion! Our paths have definitely taken similar turns and twists. I to am a man of God these days and I to have spent many years in the rooms of AA and NA! I often look back at my life and wonder just what the hell I was thinking in my younger years? Was it that I was a sociopath? Did all the drugs and Alcohol simply numb out my senses to the point where I simply did not feel for people? Or was it because I had yet to come to know and to love God as I do today? To be honest with you I think it was a little bit of everything! The only thing that I don't think applies to me is Sociopath! I have always genuinely cared for people, that is why I gangbanged in the first place. To me Gangbanging is all about loving your people to the point where you put their safety and wellbeing above that of everyone else's in society. What I have come to understand about that attitude now is that it is Pride runs rampant! Pride leads the list of the 7 deadly sins and it is the root of all of the others. In fact it is Pride that first separated our original parents from the presence of God! When I was a young Knuckle head My pride was boiling through the roof! I did things that I would not dream of doing today! I justified it as maintaining my respect and my neighborhoods as well. Truth be told though all the work that I put in was based around my own sense of False pride! I have come to know that evil is the absence of God within a persons soul! That is why today, I do my best to stay grounded in the faith! I know that it is up to me to choose to live according to God's grace or not. To me that means following his commandments and loving your neighbor as yourself! Sometimes this is a hard pill to swallow! Trust me there are people who I encounter that I would have beat down many years ago. Today, I try my best to understand where they are coming from and talk it out! One thing that Gangbanging has blessed me with is the confidence to know that I can get it if need be. Therefore, I have nothing to prove! I can honestly say that today I am a much different person then I was then. I truly look at all people as children of God! Anyhow welcome to the discussion Sisterbrim! Keep the faith, good talking to you! @ Sentenza, the only thing that ever made me cry was my addiction! I never cried from a fight, Incarceration, or any of the things that I did! You see, I truly was powerless over my addiction and that scared me. Imagine knowing that you are slowly poisoning yourself and ruining your life more and more daily, but you just cant stop! I experienced that! It was like being on a runaway freight train. Imagine having a good job, an apartment, a beautiful woman and being on parole knowing that your freedom is hanging by a thread and still not caring! I truly had a hunger that had to be feed! Feed it I did, believe that! That scared me to the point where I broke down to tears on a few occasions! It is also what keeps me clean today! I know that I am an addict. By definition we are all powerless. Armed with this knowledge, I have managed to keep myself clean for 10 years and 9 months as of this writing. Anyhow, peace be with all of you! Bumperjack, what's up Homie! Get at me in PM form when ever you feel the need! I truly enjoy our discussions! Silent!

[Sentenza]

Both have valid points being weak and showing weakness is another story,I have made a lot of bad choices and I payed the price for them mistakes,ding dong ding no big thing,there are no superman in this world,Before you can give a ass beating you have to endure plenty my friend,and I have took many, being tuff and acting tuff is two different ways of being the guy who acts tuff is really a punk and yes we all have feelings and those who don't are usually in prison for life or dead so minus them,thug and gangsters are two different types of people Sentenza, I'm comfortable in my own skin I was a street gang member,also a alleged Prison gang member, Like I said I have No Regrets, I live a clean life,crime free, I live a life of many bad choices and nobody is to blame I'm a writer a poet and have a bachelors degree in history,all my years incarcerated were not wasted years I earned a degree in prison I utilized my time in a positive way to a degree let's say,Sentenza I see your point and it is well taken my European Street gang user California has the biggest penal System in the free World and I did time in 7 out of 35 prisons I've seen not it all but a lot grew up being tuff not acting tuff I've seen guys with tattoos all over there body to look hard and when they get in a confrontation they fold like a chair Why to hide there fear,guys that are real would rather show you then tell you real gangsters are men of action not words because they are cheap(Talk is cheap) I was wrongly identified in 1993 as a prison gang member but never debriefed because I new a lot of them,and they were friends of mine,over the years,I have no agenda or acts to grind and if my story can get one kid on the right road to success, I have done my job in this free world,Sentenza I really don't know your position or point in all that you speak,What is your point and position in this discussion my friend,are you a gang activist?Law Enforcement?, Or simply a man who wish he lived a life to speak of?Let's here your background if you don't mind sharing or have nothing to hide?

Im a sideliner to this life and none of the things you mentioned. Ran the streets to a certain extend, but thats about it.
Actually im just interested in exchanging opinions, experiences, outlooks on life with pepole i would never meet in real life. Broaden your mindset you know?
I agree with what you said and theres no point in looking back about past mistakes. It just draws yor attention away from the important things.
My point yesterday was a little different though, my bad i was drunk, lol. I was kind of responding to Sister Brims point about medication etc.
A lot of the Hardcore people actually have mental issues, are under medication or are mentally instable to begin with. Theres that certain percentage of people with no heart or remorse, but most normal human beings have problems dealing with all the violence, drugs and stress. They fall back on drugs or alcohol to deal with the pressure and the fucked up mindset. A lot of the crimes even happen under the influence of drugs/alcohol.
Thats because most people arent born stone cold killers, they are made that way. And they hide their feelings.

[bumperjack]

Ok cool thank you for the insight and you position and I appreciate Your view Sentenza. I grew up with a few stone cold killers and been with them in prison. I lived the life in the streets and in prison and have PTSD and Anti Social Personality disorder and you are right most of us have mental disorders and I try not to get to overwhelmed with life, I've learned patience is a virtue and work as a Superintendent for one of the biggest Contractors in Northern United States Construction we do Roads bridges and tunnels been in that field as a young kid through years on we call life on the installment plan in prison in and out but I would always work construction,so I finally got control of my life and now when I do retire I would like to go back to school to be a gang counselor to help kids get on track and take the right road by making. The right choices not to live a lie and life of gangs and institutions and drugs/Alcohol,yes people committed crimes under the influence the ones to be scared of vBulletin are the ones who new what there were doing without regret or remorse,majority of us have weaknesses in the life you would rather be respected then feared because people who fear you can snap and come up behind you and shoot and kill you if they fear you it won't be in front of you were you can defend yourself,knowledge is power and I welcome all walks of live to listen learn from each other's view points either right wrong or indifferent Sentenza and none of us are perfect so don't trip my friend peace out bumperjack