G's answer questions from kids (Real Talk)

[Common Sense]

This question and answer session was taken from kidsandgangs.com. Good questions asked from young people all over, and good answers from G's that already..."been there done that."

Questions are in black/bold:


Why am I so addicted to gang life? I personally love gang members and the life they live I know that some things aren't good but just the feeling of a rush feels hella firme! anyways I was introduced to gangs by some vatos I kicked it with, I haven’t done any hard core drugs and all of mi ese's don’t want me to touch that stuff.

I’ve only drank and smoked some green. I choose to hang out with gang members. It really doesn't matter to me of all the bad things they do I just love being around hella down ass vatos, some people might look at me as just a girl to pass around pero that’s never happened to me I’m just not that kinda girl, I just really like being around people who live on the edge.

I've always been a sweet, smart girl and ever since I’ve started hanging out with gang members I’ve been doing bad in school and getting an attitude with anyone who gets in my way especially people who talk smack because I’m white. To me it doesn’t matter I’m down even though I’m not jumped in.

Love always *La Whitey*


La Whitey,

I almost didn’t respond to your inquiry, only because I felt there was no getting through to you because of 2 reasons. One was because I am male and two because I am a black male and everybody knows Blacks and Mexican gangs are not friends. But then it hit me: if you’re smart enough to write and ask questions, then you’re probably smart enough to listen (no disrespect).
La Whitey, my name is Greg, and like yourself I am from the LA area. I’ve been in prison now for 8 years behind gangbanging. I don’t have life, but this feels like life.

To answer your question about why you’re addicted to this lifestyle, it’s because you’ve been exposed to it. You’ve been exposed to a lifestyle that allows you to act as an adult no mater what age you are. What kid wouldn’t like that? You’ve been exposed to a lifestyle that seems famous and well-respected because of fear. This lifestyle will pull in anybody who feels abandoned by someone (mostly family members). If you feel abandoned by anyone in your family, chances are you will be attracted to the so-called gangster lifestyle.

I write you from prison. I am around a lot of your so-called homeboys (no disrespect), and I’ll tell you this. They have it hard. Mexican gang members have it harder than any other gangs. They are a lot more organized, which is a lot more dangerous than any other gangs. Do yourself a favor young lady, at least stay in school. Finish school with good grades, and then go to college, and I promise you this: your good sense will kick in by itself. And as for why you’re attracted to gangs - you know why, and you know it’s not right. Take care and learn to love yourself because self-love is “what’s-up”.

Respectfully - Greg
California


When did you start being in a gang? How did you start? Why were you in a gang?

Lilia

I was one of the original people in the gang. We started out as a group of friends just wanting to have fun. I started our gang in ‘87 when I was thirteen just hanging around with each other.
I was gangbanging at the time to earn power and respect.

Mike D.
California


I joined the gang to make money. My gang has been around since 1941 but it started up in San Francisco in 1970.

Tommy
California


I joined my gang at eleven years old and, to be honest, I can’t say just one thing made me do it. We were poor and gangs pervaded the way to and from school. My uncles were all in gangs and my home life was terrible. I didn’t feel loved and I was a scared child in a cruel world who had to play tough or be someone’s pet victim - get my money, shoes, or bike taken from me. I’m now 43. I started out being like my uncles but escalated to being “feared and respected” as my own name grew to be known. To this day, I can’t answer why I started exactly.

Aaron B.
California


What made me want to join a gang? Tough question; different situations in family and school and a spirit of anger. Not always does one realize he is in a gang until it is too late. In my case, I grew up with friends from grade one through grade six; then on to Junior High meeting new friends, but still keeping the old. When one would get into a fight we would all be there. Then I realized I belonged to this gang.

Manuel
California



When did I start being in a gang and why? Well for me I could not really say when; I grew up with all my homies is and here I am doing time for the gang.

Rafa
California



I became part of the gang when I was about fifteen years old. It all started in high school where I actually met real gang members. You see I was brought up in a different world, Central America, and at the age of fourteen I joined my mom and the rest of my family in California. Well things didn’t go as I expected them. Let’s just say I didn’t fit well with my new dwellings.

And then there was high school. But I don’t think peer pressure drove me to become a gang member. I think it was the way things were at the house - and also the lack of communication between me and my elders. For some insane reason I thought that by joining a gang I somehow was going to be free of all the rules and laws (how wrong I was). I did feel somewhat awkward at school with me barely knowing some English. Nevertheless I didn’t have to seek out the company of gang bangers (there are always other choices). Most of the kids were just trying to fit in anywhere they could like I was; only if I was willing to take it further. One day I asked one of the real gang members to jump me in their gang. When I say jump, I mean literally getting stomped by a bunch of people. That is a ritual - to see if you can survive a beating and not run.

After I became a so-called real homeboy I started to get in all kinds of fights in school. I tried to hide all this from my mom, but eventually I decided to run away from home and headed for where my gang was (we lived in a different city).

Once I was introduced to the rest of my homeboys and homegirls, I was left in the middle of a filthy street. One dude told me that, if I wanted a roof over my head, I’d better start selling dope (drugs) or do anything to make some money. I was a sixteen year old kid that was in way over his head. I didn’t really know the streets. I thought that just by being one of the homies things were going to be given to me. Was I in for rude awakening or what? That was only the beginning of what was to become the worst years of my life. But being the kind of person I was, I told myself I’d die before I’d go ask my family to take me back in. I almost did die a few times.

I got shot at and I shot people it kind of became second nature to me to carry a gun at all times. You know what is the surprise to all this? That I was brought up from my grandparents in a loving house and I had God since I was born. Every year we celebrated God’s gift to the world (Jesus). I had the love and understanding of the people who raised me that none of that mattered to me in those two years I was running wild, not caring that my family was probably sick with worry because they didn’t know where I was. I saw so many un-human things being done in those years and I can’t get over the idea of how easy I became part of the madness around me.

What is still vivid in my mind is my first encounter with the cops. It was probably about four months after I was on my own. I just came out of the dingy apartment I was living in. The cops were in the building. As soon as one cop saw me, he just slapped me flat out on my face, I had some cocaine hiding in my mouth and it came flying out. I thought for sure I was about to take my first trip to jail, but after he had his fun beating me up, I was told to go to the alley adjacent to the building. I was so scared, I came close to crying, but once I got to the alley another cop started to verbally humiliate me - telling me how stupid and useless I was. He took photos of me to catalog me in a book they kept in their unit (C.R.A.S.H.-LAPD). So it was official - I was a gang member, tagged by the police and all. I had so many mixed feelings after that cop told me to go home. I didn’t know what to do. I just started to walk, until tears just sprang out of my eyes. I felt so lonely and out of place. But instead of going back to my folks, I waited for things to cool down and came back to the neighborhood.

My so-called homies were all proud of me, telling me how tough I acted by confronting the pigs and all that. I felt sick by the whole thing, but I didn’t tell them that. I just went along and put my tough-guy mask on, knowing full well I just had the worst moment in my life. After that, I tried even harder to forget who I really was. I wanted not to feel anything and that’s exactly whom I became - a cold, heartless boy.

I forgot all my old memories and started to gang bang to the point that it didn’t really matter to me whether I was going to kill someone or be killed by others.

I finally got arrested for killing another human being. During my stay in L.A. County Jail, I went ahead and kept playing the same old silly games. I went through so much in there; all this racism was new to me. I grew up in a different type of environment but in there other races were supposed to be my enemies. So it was a new way to gang bang. I thought life on the streets was painful and un-human. Boy was I wrong; in jail things were one hundred percent worse.

I really don’t know whether things in my life would have turned out differently had I not been a gang member. Often I hear that we are who we are because of because everything life has dished out to us and the way we deal with problems. Well I think of myself now as a man filled with many regrets, but also with a sense of understanding who I am. I’ve been in jail for almost ten years. I was arrested when I was seventeen years old. Drugs were not a problem for me but, as far as my family, I am really ashamed of the mess I’ve made out of my life. I am the only one in my family in prison.

At this point in my life I’m trying to reconnect myself with what’s really important. I may or may not spend the rest of my days in here, but I want something else out of life other than a prison number. I want to become a writer and teacher is possible, so maybe when I finally get out I’ll teach in my country.

I believe each person in here is capable of waking up, and if anybody thinks that being part of a gang is fun, well what I just shared with you is only a tiny fragment of what my life became when I made that mistake (of joining in). There have been many times when I think, “What have I done with myself”? I let down many people, and of course me.
Living in prison is not a fun experience either. You don’t really have rights; you give them away the moment you become part of the system.

I hope any of you that want this kind of life realize, before you commit the same mistakes I did, that your life is worth way more than this. Maybe it’s not too late to open your eyes. Your life might seem difficult right now, but wait until you throw it away; it’s going to be like living but not living.

I don’t see myself as a gang member and now, but just a man with a sense of hope and desire to live in harmony with life. I regret many of the things I’ve done; I believe that things that you do to others come back to you.

Life is so full of mysteries and wonders and it is a big shame to waste it away in prison or in a senseless fight. Besides nobody has the right to take the life of another human being, especially for something not worth fighting for.

Well for now I am going to say goodbye and hopefully my words will bring to you all a little bit more awareness that gangs and prison are not a joke, or a place to be.

Alvarado
California


The reason why I joined the barrio lifestyle? Well, in my personal life there's a few reasons. One is that a lot of my family are in gangs, and because when I was young I liked to party and cruise around with the homeboys. But like I said that was me, everyone has their reasons!

Some join a gang because of peer pressure, some join because they don't have anyone to guide them or give them advice, so they join a gang to be part of a family. Some want to be part of a family and they find that in the gang, they love each other, take care of each other and watch each other's back.

Joey
California



Would you think gang life is fun?

Tim

Tim,
You asked if the gang life is fun. At first when you’re doing what you want it could be. But it’s easy to forget that there’s a price to be paid for the things you do. Yeah you hang out, but at the age of 15, my little brother was killed. I have about 15 of my homeboys who are doing life in prison as well as me.

I’m doing 32 years to life. I’m only 28 years old and I’ll never get out. And about 10 of my homeboys have been killed. I started going to jail when I was 13 years old. Does this life sound fun to you? The fun is for a minute but it costs a lifetime of pain.

Richard
California



How did you run into the gang, and did they help you learn to fight and shoot a gun?

I grew up around the gang. They didn’t teach me how to fight; I taught myself. The gang taught me how to spend the rest of my life in prison. You can’t learn anything good from a gang

Someone who cares
California


As a gang banger what where some of the hardest things you had to do?
What is the thing that you did and regret the most?
What did your family have to say?
- Eddie F.

"As a gang member, the hardest things that I had to do were to inflict pain upon my family - the look of unbearable pain I saw in my mom's eyes whenever I came home after being gone for days. The last time I saw my mom before I got busted was when I came home after being gone for weeks. As I entered the living room, I saw her reddened eyes and her sad face turn towards me. She tried to be tough and turned away from me. When I asked her where my older sister was, she answered with a simple, 'She's not here.' I turned away and left. I think that she felt guilty because she had gotten an arrest warrant on me on advice from my P.O. I guess that she figured at least I'll be alive if I was in Juvenile Hall. After I got busted, I found out that as soon as I left the house, my little sister came crying after me calling for me to come back. I didn't hear her"!

"The hardest thing that I did and the one that I regret the most was to take someone's life. I did it in the heat of the moment because, as soon as I saw the victim, I felt such hate and anger for something I believed he did in the past. It is hard and mind-blowing to be responsible for ending a life, for taking away someone's son and brother. What can a person say to the family?! There aren't any words to be said to the victim's family! 'I'm sorry, I apologize,' are words a person says when he bumped into someone or unintentionally hurt someone's feelings, but there are no words to say how much a person regrets ending someone's life, a family's future plans. A man's dreams of bringing up his kids along with his brother's are suddenly no more."

"For some reason beyond my understanding, families seem not to exist when someone is in a gang. Cousins stab and shoot at each other because they belong to rival gangs. Even though families don't exist in most of the gang members' minds, it doesn't mean that they are not there, that they don't suffer. My family suffered a lot. My mom had to enter a clinic because she had a nervous breakdown. But her suffering cannot be compared to that of the victim's family, and especially the victim's mom."

Alex
California


Hello my name is Abner. I'm 15 yrs. Old. I would like to ask u Do u regret what u did back in the day? How's life in Prison is it hard nice or awful? Did u ever get shot on the streets? Was it hard to live as a gang member? Did u leave everything for that gang? Did u run away ever in ur life? Was those friends that were in that gang with u are they still there being ur friends? I'm curious i like to apolize for so many questions. I thought about joining gangs and running away and getting locked up. I just want to hear it from somebody who experience this stuff rather than somebody who hasn't.


Dear Abneris,

Hi. How are you today? I read your question and hopefully my answer for it can help. Well you ask did I regret what I did back in the day and other stuff. Well, yes I do regret about what I did back in the days as far as stealing gang-banging and messin around but I don’t dwell on it because I can’t do nothing about it except to try to make up for it which I am doing now.

Yes, I stole, did drugs, gang-banged, and did some time for it. Did I ever run away? Yes I did, not to get my parents mad or anything but I needed some time alone. But I always came back and told them, “I’m sorry.” I just needed time to think, but that wasn’t the proper way of doing it. I should have just stayed in my own room to think or be alone. Well, was prison life for me hard? - Yes it was. I mean you do not control the things around you and you can get seriously hurt and even killed in there. It is very awful because you got no freedom in there. You can’t do anything you want in there. They control your life. Prison is no place for anyone, especially a girl.

Have I ever been in a gang? - Well yes. Was it hard? - Yes it was very hard and scary because I was always on my feet never really knowing who or what was coming my way. Was I shot at? - Daily. I praise God that I’m alive today and that I’m not dead. Was it hard to live as a gang member? - Very because it was a dangerous life style. Yes I did leave everything for my gang except my family. That was until I met Christ and found out that He had more to offer me than a life full of sin, hate and danger. Well, yes I left my gang and yes they are still my friends but most of them are already dead or in jail. The point I’m trying to get to you is that a life full of crime gangs and hate ain’t worth it.

No you should not gang bang or run away or even do drugs. There is more to life than that. Believe in Christ for He is the way. A prison life is no way for a person. I promise you it only leads to death or destruction. Keep you head up for things will get better. Keep your mind focused on the Lord and your education. Be thankful for what you got and count each day as a blessing. Don’t turn to a lifestyle of gangbanging for it’s not worth it.

T.N.



How has life in a gang affected your life in whole?

It affected my life by costing me fifty years in prison. I never had a real family atmosphere. I thought that in my embracing a gang I would feel that. But I was so wrong. All it brought was more chaos in my life. The same people that I protected were witnesses against me in court. Now all I have is time.

Otto S.
New Jersey


The first thing that comes to mind is that I have several gang-related tattoos that are all over my body. They serve as a reminder of my past involvement in gang life and people are always asking me about them. Sometimes they are offended by them and sometimes I know I am looked at negatively because of them. Even though I no longer am affiliated, I am still judged by these tattoos.

Eric
New Jersey


Moving into a new city I felt alone. My only friends were my brothers and sister. I started to meet people but did not feel close to any of them.

Despite these feelings, my outlook on life was very optimistic. Soon after I started to meet new people and was making friends. I started hanging out with the “cool crowd” and sitting at their table during lunch. A lot of people knew of me and socially I was doing well in school.
Academically I was not doing so well because I was kind of lazy. After awhile, I applied myself to a test here and there, but failed. I began to feel I was stupid, never relating my slacking off to my problem.

At home, many things were changing. Things went from bad to worst. I was never talked to, just talked down at. Feeling like I was nothing, I began to leave home more often, staying out for days at a time.

Back at school I started to analyze the people who were around me. The “cool crowd” was full of people who spoke behind each other’s backs. I broke from that group and started to look for people who I thought were more like me.

I was jumped by this gang in school and days later I stuck up for myself. The kids from another gang liked what I did and one thing led to another. I ended up becoming a member. At first it was all going out to parties, meeting girls and even fighting. Fighting made me feel like a man and I got mad respect for it.

However, things inside me began to change. I began to do things just because the other members wanted to do them, in order to retain their respect - losing my self-respect each time. Compromising more and more, I started to forget who I was. All I believed in became what others believed in. I became a follower and lost myself completely.

I am now in prison with double life. Arrested when I was sixteen, I ended any real possibility of having a successful life. When joining a gang, my outlook changed to the negative. I started to think I had no future because of the gang mentality. The self-prophesy came to pass. So, to answer your question, joining a gang changed my life as a whole by ending it - with the chance to live only to feel it.

Luis
New Jersey

In your opinion, how does "bullying" play a role in becoming a gang member? Is teasing and bullying a factor to becoming angry and joining a gang?

Arika


Arika:

You'll be surprised that not many bullies join gangs. It's the persons being bullied who often join to have that feeling of being protected and having backup. In other words, have someone else fight their fight or intimidate anyone from picking on them. So, yes, bullying is a factor to becoming angry, scared and joining a gang for the protection it offers.

Respectfully - Oscar
California



Why do girls join the gangs? How did it affect your life?
Lil Wun & Christina

1. Acceptance--A lot of times they are being abused in the home so they seek love and acceptance wherever it is given.
2. "Love"--Some become a part of the gang to be with a boyfriend.
3. Family--Some are raised in gang-affiliated homes.
There are many reason, but the outcome is never pretty. For girls, there's a lot of gang rapes. There's shootings and there's jail life. Some are even killed.

Lupita
California


Hi. I'm an 18 year old mother. My son is 3 years old and I'm currently in CYA doing 7 more months. I've been down for 3 years. I joined gangs at a young age. My family are all involved in it. What side I joined is non-important. My dad was a gang member, my mom also. I was raised by my grandparents and their family members are gang members also. I was brought up into it believing it was right and I felt they were my family even if they weren't. I later had a choice to change but didn't.

By then, I wanted to prove I was hard and earn my stripes. It affected my life because I made a lot of enemies and didn't have a chance to make other friends. I have to live with the fact that because of my own wrong, innocent people got hurt. I had to grow up fast. I got pregnant at the age of 14 1/2. At that point I knew I had to stop and I did. I went to a group home and had my son. There were times I got approached by my rivals. I was at risk even after I changed. Living a gang life ain't worth it. I affected my son with the gangs.

Diana
California



Girls join gangs for many different reasons...My perspective why is:

Not enough love at home
Came from a broken home
Just to fit in
For a reputation
Peer pressure
For respect
You think now you have a family you never had at home
For the excitement
To keep the family tradition going
Fast money
Rebel against family morals
Some people just don't care
Joining a gang affected my life real bad to the point where I didn't give a damn about my family or what they wanted.

It was all about me and what I wanted to do...I jeopardized my freedom by committing numerous crimes. I am almost 19 years old with two strikes that will always remain on my record and due to my criminal behavior, I think people will think twice about giving me a job. By joining a gang I lost a lot of valuable time that I could have been spending with my family instead of being out there terrorizing people and their property. Now that I find myself doing time I have learned that I can't be taking my time for granted, and that no matter how deep you're in, there is still one li'l part of you that wants a better life and change for yourself.

Becky



What were you feeling when murdering someone?

Anar

Dear Anar,

My feelings when I committed murder weren’t there at the time. I was drunk and on drugs. As I sobered up, I realized what I had committed. I had ruined someone’s life and the lives of his family, as well as my family’s lives. There are no words on how I could explain those feelings. I just remember crying a lot. Till this day, I feel pain in my heart for what I did and wonder if the family will ever forgive me for what I did to their son. I’ve been in prison for 9 ½ years now. My daughter was born two months after my arrest, and it’s hard to see a young child who asks her father when he will come home.

Jesse

[pistolslanga]

this is real man, if only kids could see what mess is about..

[Mcminister]

woow!!!

[Common Sense]

Kids Ask Question To Death Row Inmates

Dear Mr Freddie Wright
What is it like on death row?
Canadian Student

Living on Alabama death row has its many ups and downs from the staff as well as from the inmates. They have many rules that we have to live by that doesn’t make a lot of sense to anyone. Most of us enjoy each others joy and feel each others pain. It’s many things that most of us don’t agree about because we all come from many different walks of life. But the one thing we all share in common we are all under a sentence of death and we are all fighting for the same common cause – our lives. I cannot speak for all of the guys but each time one of the guys is put to death I lose a part of myself, and from that day forward

I am not the same and more, it’s like sitting here while my family is being murdered and I am unable to do anything to help them. All I can do is sense their pain and pray for them. A normal day in my life on death row starts out at 3:00 AM every morning except Sundays and holidays. I am a diabetic and I suffer with high blood pressure, so I get up and take my shot and other medications. I work in the unit I live in, so about 3:15 AM my door opens and I come out and get the food and wake everyone up for breakfast. Then I clean up the unit, take my shower, and return to my cell until 6:00 AM.

Then I get go down to the law library for the rest of the day, where I read guys legal briefs and help them find mistakes in their cases that might get their death sentence set aside and their cases sent back to the lower court for a new trial. We are kept locked in small one man cells most of the time. My cell in on the top level and it’s very hot in the summer and cold in the winter. We are allowed to go outside for one hour each day when the weather is nice. During that time we can play volleyball or basketball or just walk around the compound and talk. Our death row law library is used for things also. We use it for church twice a week and bible class on Sunday morning. On Tuesday and Thursday nights it’s used for school for the ones wanting to get their GED. Before the college classes were stopped it was also used for college twice a week.

What advice would you give young people today?

The advice I can best offer to our young people and all people today. Don’t give into peer pressure, because it doesn’t make you strong it makes you weak and that will get you in trouble. We should stand up for what we know are right even if it doesn’t put us in good standards with the ones we call our friends. In most cases if you stay away from drugs, and are very careful about the ones we hang out with we will do the right things and won’t end up in the wrong place at the wrong time. We all should value others lives just as much as we value our loved ones and our own lives. I knowing being a part of a gang plays a major roll in a lot of young people ending up in trouble and on death row.

Freddie Lee Wright
(Executed, 2000)


Questions To Mr. Robinson
Anonymous Student

1. Explain what I was convicted of.
I was convicted of a 1st and 2nd degree murder, a robbery, and special circumstances (for death sentence) of(A) a murder during the commission (B) multiple murder.


2. Do I feel I received a fair trial?
No. When cops fabricate evidence, and District Attorney's get people to lie thinking that they are "helping." a good cause cannot be a fair trial by any means. Also I am living proof that white people in America think that a six foot tall 150 lb black man is the same as a five feet eight tall 185 lbs black man. At least that is what all my white jurors thought.

3. What is it like on Death row?
Thats hard to say. I have no way to explain to you the kind of people (uneducated, psychologically unbalanced - and angry) I am forced to live with. Then they employ the sane kind of people (of identical mindsets as the aforementioned inmates) as correctional officers. Only the experience can teach you to know what Death row living is like & I would not wish that upon anyone. There are no physical amenities.

4. Do I agree with capital punishment ?
No. If we were to truly live by the "eye for an eye" we would have to rape those who rape and molest those who molest. It is just as absurd to murder those who murder. Besides that, I have witnessed a few people who truly regret the things they have done. People do change.


5. What words would I offer to teens & / or other people?
Learn to live life with MORAL & intellectual courage. Don't yield what is right, just or truthful, for any cause, or pressure to fit in, or go with the flow of others. When they themselves are blind to what is upright. Learn to stand alone and stand firm. That's all I would suggest.


6. What would I do differently if given the chance?
I would have taken the advice from the above questions' answer.

[pistolslanga]

4. Do I agree with capital punishment ?
No. If we were to truly live by the "eye for an eye" we would have to rape those who rape and molest those who molest. It is just as absurd to murder those who murder. Besides that, I have witnessed a few people who truly regret the things they have done. People do change.


true...true...

Fuck you police

[Common Sense]

Gangs Are Not The Answer

My name is Raymond De Leon Martinez. I am a Texas Death Row inmate, and here on Death Row everybody calls me Rainbow. I am also an ex-gang member and this is what I want to write about.

I joined a prison gang back in 1978 thinking that we were going to be like the Mafia from Italy. At the time when I was recruited, I was given six months to think about it; whether I wanted to join or not. Once I joined, I became the leader of the gang on the prison unit where I was serving my time.

From the very start of the gang's existence, there was always bickering, constant dissatisfaction among gang members. Nobody wanted to take orders. We were, in general, just a bunch of undisciplined hard-heads wanting the gang to make us something special. By 1980, there were twenty-six gang members on that unit, and by 1982, twenty-four gang members had either gotten out or gotten transferred to another unit. I went home in December, 1982, and the remaining gang members of the original twenty-six were killed four months after I got out of prison by two new gang members. By July, 1983, there were only ten left alive of the original twenty -six. That is when I was arrested for six murder charges and dozens of armed robberies.

I was free for only seven months and I was also leader of the gang in the free-world for that short time. I was born in a small town and was raised in the country. So actually, I'm a country boy. The other gang member that hung around with me in the free-world was also a country boy and neither of us used drugs. We were living in Houston and whenever we would run into other members of our gang, they would usually try to hide from us. After I was arrested and sentenced to death, especially after I arrived here on the main row, nobody in the gang would help me.

Why not? Well, I'll tell you why.

When I was free, I ran into several members of our gang, none of the original twenty-six, but, nevertheless, members just the same, and they were all broke and hooked on either heroin or coke or both. Only the country boy was not hooked. So how could I expect anybody from the gang to help me when they couldn't help themselves?

Over the years a lot of things have changed about the gang, but one thing remains constant, and that's the kind of people the gang lures. Who are those that join the gangs and what kind of qualifications do you need to join the gang? All you need are three basic qualities. First of all, you got to be plenty stupid for wanting to join, and secondly, ignorant. The gang calls it having heart, or having courage to commit violent acts. What kind of violent acts? You name it, anything from setting another inmate on fire, to drowning someone by forcing his head in the toilet and all kinds of violent acts between drowning someone and setting someone on fire. The last quality you need to join the gang is gullibility, because you might have to take a senseless order from a gang leader to commit a brutal, senseless, violent act upon someone you don't even know.

So if you want to join a gang, check yourself first to see if you have the right qualifications to join. First, make sure you are plenty stupid, and, secondly, make sure you are ignorant to the bone, and, finally, make sure you are so gullible that you cannot say no when they give you a senseless order to carry out. If you have those three qualifications, you will make a perfect gang member.

What are you looking for? Do you want the gang to make you something special? How can the gang make you something special when the gang itself is a stigma? The gang has lost its prestige. People used to look up to the gang and gang members used to be respected. It used to be an honor to be a gang member. But like I said, things have changed, not because I say so, but because things have really changed. There is no more honor in the gang. If you are a gang member in the free-world, your life is swinging on thin thread, and believe me, it's swinging and eventually the thread will break.

How people in the free-world perceive the gang? As beetles, the kind of insects that roll feces, but gang beetles roll terror, paranoia, and dishonor into decent neighborhoods. People in general perceive the gang as the lowest scum of the world.

If you are not a gang member, what is my advice to you? Don't join. Why not? Because if you join, you will eventually end up in prison or dead or both, just like me. I am in prison, and very soon, I will be dead, too.

Are you looking for recognition? Are you young and naive? If so, my heart goes out to you. Do you want to be somebody special? Then show the people what you can do. Can you build a house? Can you f1X a car when it breaks down? What skills do you possess? If you have no skills, it's okay, but learn to do something. Learn a trade. Get some skills and you will be somebody special. Have some honesty and honor about yourself and people will automatically look up to you. Will you help the old lady cross the street and will you carry her grocery bags home whenever you see her trudging down the sidewalk cumbersomely? Let her rest assured that you will not mug her and fill her heart with fear and terror. Can your mind be as steady and strong when temptation lurks by? Sure you can! And if you wrote to me and said, "Rainbow, I am going to be the Whole Wide Oak Tree in my neighborhood", I will die with heart exonerated.

But let's forget my heart. What do you want to be? Do you want to join a gang and be perceived as a beetle that rolls faces, or do you want to be the Wide Oak Tree in your neighborhood?


Raymond Martinez, #768. Ex-gang member

[Garf]

for the "eye for an eye" How I logiced it out, someone rapes you, you make them scream, someone molests you stab thier hands, ect. It doesn't mean you do the same thing back that would defeat the porpose.

[Common Sense]

My name is Armando T. Frias. I’m an ex-gang member and am currently doing life. I’ve been doing time since I was 12 years old. I started gangbanging at 9 years old. I’ve been through juvenile hall, boys’ ranches, group homes, California Youth Authority, county jail and now prison.

I want to share my experiences with everyone. So that you, your kids and loved ones will not have to go through the pain, suffering and heartache that I have gone through because of my stupidity and lack of knowledge.

I’m here to help those who wish to be helped and enlighten those who have questions. This is my way of making amends to a society I once terrorized.

I’m here to share my advice, opinions and experiences on gangs and to answer any questions you may have. Ask what you’d like, I’m here to help.

-- Armando T. Frías


Q: I saw the documentary on Nuestra Familia, It really made me think a lot of things, such as how it really isn’t worth it, but on. But on the other hand it’s hard, because it’s a form of respect that you get from your homies and your enemies.

What I wanted ask you is if it’s really worth being a down gang member to earn your respect in the streets?

A: When I first stepped away, I was sick for weeks. I made a choice I never thought I'd make. I had good friends of mine questioning if it was true, because they couldn't believe it. But when it came down to it, the respect I thought I had was gone as soon as I stepped away.

You see, we often wrongly define respect when it's really fear that you're putting into your homies and enemies.

Once I got broke off my time, people started counting me out, figuring I ain't ever getting out. "So-called respect is hard to earn, but easily taken." If you're quick to put in work, people fear you, because they know you won't hesitate at any given moment. If they cross you the wrong way, it could be them on the other side of your barrel. It ain't worth it, because it is a temporary form of respect. It's more fear than anything. I know of people who are still in good graces with their homies, but they're locked up and their own so-called homies are trying to get at their girlfriends, sisters or disrespecting their family. Now tell me, what kind of respect is that?

The only way to earn a righteous respect is by removing one's self from that crowd and group. Because with them, respect will NEVER be gained.

Armando


Q: I work at a juvenile correctional facility. What advice can you give me to help those who glorify the prison lifestyle. Some youngsters really believe they want to go to prison.

A: First off, young Norteños don't hold no respect for authority figures. To them, they're cops. You must get them to respect you as a man and not a badge if you want them to hear you out. By doing that, converse with them about sports, video games, music, etc. That will bring them out of their zone of trying to act hardcore. Once you build that communication, trust will follow.

It's best to talk to them individually that way it takes away the pressure of what their homies might think.

Gangbanging is a dirty game, let them know to get ready for the pain and heartaches they will have to endure, because when you're locked up, the world continues to turn. Their girlfriends will move on and continue their lives. So prepare for the Dear John letters. One thing you will have to do is leave your family and friends behind.

In a prison gang, you got to get ready to pick up the steel and put it work. If you refuse you, will be the one getting the steel put on you. You can come to prison for 3 years but leave after serving 15 years, or you might wind up doing life. In prison, ain't no half-stepping.

Just so them youngsters know, most of the time, you'll be moving on your own people. Norteños are the worst enemies of Norteños, and Sureños are the worst enemies of Sureños. Yes, the war is against each other, but most of the time you're hitting or moving on your own group, all because of power struggles, jealousy, envy, etc. I got friends I grew up with since childhood who are now my enemies because of the gang.

All you can do is share this info with them. Some will listen, most will learn on their own experiences.


Q: How is it that you can just leave everything that you have known all your life? Almost everyone in my family is gang related and I have tried to break away but I don't know no other life style.

It's hard to live and be like other people, you know, not having to worry about being killed or anything. I would like that but I really can't see myself going against my blood as much as I may want to, I can't. What do you think i should do?

A: I understand your situation. It's hard to break a cycle that runs deep through your family. For example, if I were to get out tomorrow and my old enemies were to see me, they won't care if I'm a changed man. So I'll be forced to still watch my back.

Ain't nothing wrong with being proud of who you are or where you're from. But one thing you must ask yourself is, what do you want out of life? The choices you make determine the life you live.

You're guilty by association because of your family. Nobody's telling you to turn your back on your family. But just like the saying goes, "only the strong survive." To be able to succeed in life and be somebody, you must have the determination to change. It won't be easy, there will be many obstacles you will overcome and believe it or not, when your family sees your potential in the positive things you CAN and WILL do in your life, they will root you on and support you.

Life is too precious to end up stuck on the shelf for the rest of your life. There is so much talent and potential within our Raza but we find ourselves behind these concrete walls, limited in the things we can do to showcase our skills.

If we weren't blinded by the illusions of this fairytale "cause," who knows what good we could have accomplished?

Don't be added to this group of wasted talent. I'm rooting for you, lil brother, keep your chin up and stay strong!

Armando


Q: I would like to know how prison life has changed you?

A: Well, first off, I ain't a complete changed man. I still got old flaws and habits. But what has caused me to make changes ain't prison. It's the situation I found myself in. I was one who promoted the Norteño cause to the fullest! I knew I could one day die or end up doing life in prison because of my beliefs, but was willing to make the sacrifice.

The change came when I got busted and seen my so-called brothers/homies telling on me, backstabbing me and trying to run my reputation through the mud. I noticed the greed, betrayal and envy that surrounded me.

The "Cause" that I was willing to sacrifice my freedom and life for did not EXIST! It was a ploy. The "cause" is a ploy used to manipulate our young Raza.

That's when I realized that my loyalties and priorities weren't right. My family, my son is who I need to be loyal to. That was my mistake, living for a fairytale "cause" when I should have been living for my family. My family has always been there for me, through thick and thin, unlike my so-called homies who crack under pressure. That's real talk!

Armando


Write to:
Armando Frias
c/o El Andar
PO Box 7745
Santa Cruz, CA 95061

http://nuestrafamiliaourfamily.org/pages/ask.html

[Common Sense]

Hey I’m 13 at school many kids pick on me and that gets me really angry. Should I join a gang so they will stop and so I can get some respect?

EG

Dear E.G.,

My name is Juan and I am answering your questions to “Gangs and At-Risk Kids”. Thank you for reaching out and asking for help!

School bullies have been a problem for many, many generations, “since the beginning of time,” but joining a gang to make it stop or gain respect is not the answer. It will only add more problems to what you are already going through. In fact, joining a gang is not cool at all and will get you into trouble!

When I was about your age, there was this guy that had a reputation for fighting and he would intimidate other kids. Now, my thing in school was sports and those were the friends I hung around with because we had sports in common. But this bully was in one of my classes and somehow he wound up getting in my face. What I did, and I am not saying you should, but I pushed him and he fell between the chairs. Later he went around telling anybody that would listen to him that he would fight me after school. But before the school day was over, he was saying something different because he knew that I would stand up to him, win or lose. In reality bullies are scared too and they try to save their reputations. But by that time, the whole school already knew that if you stood your ground, the bully would rather find a way out than to fight! That was my experience.

E.G., I am not saying for you to do what I did. There are other ways in dealing with bullies. You can ask for help from your school counselor and teachers. Talk to your parents and let them know what’s going on. But don’t join a gang! That is not the solution.

E.G., I am writing to you from prison! Drugs and alcohol is what got me here! Later I joined a prison gang, like thinking that it would keep me safe and gain respect. It turned out to be a big mistake! It only added to the problems of drugs and alcohol I already had. But getting out of the gang and stopping using drugs and alcohol is the best decision and choice I have ever made!

E.G., it nearly cost me my life! Only through the Grace of God I was saved! I have been imprisoned for 27 years! But I am proud to say that I am free from the bondage of drugs and alcohol and from the gang. I hope my letter will help you and give you the courage to ask for help. Please stay away from gangs and also from drugs and alcohol.

Have faith! God has something special in store for you. God bless and guide you in your journey through life!

Life in Christ - Juan
California



Dear E.G.,

It’s never a good reason to join a gang and doing so doesn’t gain you respect. Respect comes to the individual who’s giving his best to accomplish something that’s honorable. Joining a gang doesn’t make people respect you. They may fear you. Fear isn’t respect; it’s the opposite in the reactions it brings to you. Someone who fears you will try to kill you way faster than you’ll see coming. You’re 13 yrs. old. There’s so many honorable things available to you that breeds respect: sports, school grades, and activities. The thing is, truly applying yourself to whatever it is that you’re good at or what you like doing. There’s an energy (that feels like magic) attached to a person when their completely connected to a task they’re good at or like doing. They stand out when they’re performing it. Anyone who sees them handling their business with that magical flow admires what they see and respects you because they connect with the artistry you bring out of what you’re doing. And that’s true with anything positive that you get into on that level I just described. What are you good at or really like doing?

Blue Cloud
California



EG,

Though you’re only 13, I think you’re already smart enough to know the difference between respect and intimidation. That’s your answer.

Mike
New Jersey


Every year in school I did a report on or about gangs. This subject has really opened up my eyes and I now see that this is starting to become a problem in my town. But there are things that are not clear to me and I thought that it would be nice to see if maybe you could ask a prisoner for me and reply back if possible. I think then I can help the school counselors and other people in my community out including myself with answers that I didn't have at one point of time cause I have a cousin that was in a gang and is in jail now so it would help me out a little bit to know their responses to my own questions.

1. Why did you choose to join a gang?
2. What caused you to join one?
3. Is it true that in order to get out of one you have to fight?
4. Is it true that just because you have former family members that were in a gang there is a chance that I too will one day join one or do they think that I will distract kids from them?

Thank You,
LaRey.

To LaRey,

Hello – first I’d like to start by saying that I’ve read and thought about each of your questions concerning gangs and that type of lifestyle.

I was a part of a gang for many years. It’s because I gave myself fully to this that I’ve been incarcerated for a long period of time. Your first question, “Why did I decide to join a gang” – I’ve actually asked myself that same question thousands of times. One of the main reasons was that I was having problems with my parents, and neither I nor they knew how to create a space of trust where we could’ve met in mutual respect and understanding to talk about our problems. At 16, I became enraged and very upset at what I perceived as indifference and lil understanding on their part. As a result of this, coupled with what I saw as a cool attitude in the gang members (at my high school), I ended up joining a gang.

You ask if one has to fight in order to get out of a gang. Well, it depends on what kind of people make up the gang. There are gangs (here in California) that won’t allow their members to drop out. However, one can do it by moving to another city or county. One must have in mind though that once you have made that decision, there’s no going back to gangbanging again, because you’re not just going to fight, but most likely you’ll also get shot, or worse killed, if the gang you’ve left finds out you are just faking it about wanting to stop.

There are countless of reasons “why” kids get involved with gangs. Some are lack of parental guidance, bad neighborhood – the influence of others around, lack of self-esteem, violence at home or at school inflicted on them, wanting to fit in with the crowd, a hopeless feeling of wanting to be somebody. However, some kids are very violent for no good reason, and a gang only becomes a channel through which they can fuel their violent behavior. Once violence is an accepted behavior in gangs, someone with a very bad attitude can become very powerful and respected in that environment. I know this probably doesn’t make sense to a law-abiding person, but one must force oneself to see the world as most of these individuals see it in order to get an idea of why many of us do what we do.

I personally believe, for most kids, it starts at home. Just imagine whole communities with households where the adults are either too tired, unimaginative, or plain don’t care, to give the kids much attention. It is like making up your own history with whatever limited amount of knowledge one has, and if violent behavior is the norm in such a community, what can be expected to happen? Only a strong kid can survive such an environment.

OK LaRey, it’s my hope I’ve answered at least one of your questions.

G. Alvarado
California



Hello LaRey:

My name is Juan and I am answering your questions from “Gangs and At-Risk Kids”. Thank you for your time to write and to ask for guidance and help to your questions.

First let me say that the so-called friends that tell you that you are “stupid” for wanting to help and learn to understand gangs’ behavior are not your friends. If they were “true friends” they would encourage and support you. Don’t listen to them, stick to your guns, no pun intended.

What I read from your questions, is that you have a passion for wanting to help kids stay away from gangs. We share the same common goal! I hope I am able to give you guidance in pursuit of your (our) goals.

You have four questions concerning gangs. I will do my best to answer them.

Why did you (I) choose to join a gang? I personally was never involved in a “street gang.” My experience comes from being involved in a “prison gang” where I sit here today 27 years and counting.

What caused you (me) to join one? There are three basic reasons for joining a prison gang.

The main reason is for survival, and for protection. Fear also comes into play. In prison all races are segregated. Everybody sticks to their “own race.” That’s the environment of prison life. I am not making any excuses. Bottom line joining a street or prison gang is a “stupid choice” and a deadly mistake.

Is it true that in order to get out of one you have to fight? Have your heard of the saying, “blood in and blood out?” I paid with blood. It nearly cost me my life. But I am proud to say that I am no longer in a gang and only by the grace of God I was saved.

Is it true that because a family member joined a gang, that you will too? No. That is false. We as individuals have the power to say no and to make choices for ourselves.

There are other reasons for wanting to join a gang, such as the allure of money, drugs, “power”, etc. But it is only an illusion and false pride.

The cold hard facts are that getting into a gang whether in the streets or prison, is a dead end. The consequences of making that “choice” will only lead to prison life or death. That is the true reality of what will happen.

LaRey you may want to pursue a career in criminal justice. Contact the ITT Technical Institute in your area. They offer a variety of careers focused on curricula, such as the criminal justice system, correctional counselor, legal procedures, law enforcement, etc. If you cannot afford to pay tuition check with your local county, state and federal agencies and private entities for grants.

At the community level you can get involved with the local leaders, Church and also with teen Boys and Girls Clubs of America, the Big Brother and Sister organizations to name a few.

Well LaRey hope I was able to help you. Best wishes and success in all your endeavors.

God bless and guide you in everything you do.

Life in Christ - Juan
California



Dear LaRey,

My name is D.J. and I’m responding to the questions you asked on-line. I’m an 18 year old ex-gangbanger now serving time behind bars for a foolish crime. I didn’t choose to join a gang; I was born into it. I started bangin when I was around 11 or 12, but been claimin the hood since I could dress myself. A great percentage of my family is from my set (gang) so I was always surrounded by the life and the things that came with it: violence, crime, drugs, etc. If I was around different people and in a different environment growing up, I don’t think that I would be in the situation that I’m in now, but just cause your folks are from a gang doesn’t mean you have to be subjected to the life and become a member. You can continue to do what you’re doing, which is educating yourself about the lifestyle. Knowledge is power and with it you can overcome anything. Stay the course and continue to be educated, because if you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.

D.J.
California



Hi okay I was thinkin if I should join a gang my life’s already f**ked up and I’m only 14 so what should I do?

Sincerely, Dreamer

Dreamer,

You say that your life is all messed up already, but joining a gang will only make your life a lot worse for you, and that will also hurt your family. When we’re young, we don’t think on how things affect our parents because we only think of ourselves. I hope that you don’t join the gang. You’re 14. Spend your life with good friends and family. I lost all my teen life in Juvi, always locked up, so don’t miss out on your teen life. Be strong; whatever the problem is, you can overcome it. You can’t do it by joining a gang.

Jesse G.
California



Naw “Man,” don’t join no gang! What’s going on that you want to make things worse by letting some immature cats call shots over your life? Tell me about that. I’ll bet we can come up with a positive spin for it. something must have changed really abruptly for you to want to self-destruct like that. At your age, there’s a lot going on with you mentally and physically, and parents often times don’t remember that. That’s where uncles, grandfathers and big brothers are supposed to step up, kick it with you, and help you put all what’s happening to you in proper perspective. But see, there’s so much going on in our society out there that adults get sidetracked too. Yet you should not be left to try to deal with that aspect of your life alone, because if you are left to do it alone, it will lead you right to a gang. And that will only destroy your life. So Dream, we can kick it about anything. Just holla at me. I’ll always holla back. I can assure you that as long as you stay out of gangs, it won’t be as bad as you think. I can also assure you that all the answers you need are already within your realm of knowledge. You just need help accessing them. I can help you do that. Holla at me. I’m here for you anytime. Believe that!

Blue Cloud
California



Hi my name is Courtney and I’m 14 years old I’m a good girl and make alright grades and I’m not in trouble but for the past 8 months I have been talking to this one gang and my mom used to be cool but now she just said NO she didn't want me to hang out with them! I didn't understand why and she won't talk to me she walks out of the room they are truly nice people and I still want to hang out with them but I can't get my mom to let me can you please help me and tell me why you think my mom won't let me hang out with them?? Or give me some questions so maybe we can make a deal or something thank-you.

Love Courtney


Dear Courtney,

I hope that this message finds you in the highest mental capacity because honestly, young lady, you are really going to need it to listen to me.

But first, I'll ask you a question: Who do you think loves and cares about you more--your mother, who has cared for you since birth, or this gang you've been hanging out with for the last year? I'll take the 14 years over 8 months any day. But that's just me, and I can say from experience your mother is right. I can't help you try to convince her otherwise, because it just doesn't make sense.

One, I know first hand the nature of gangs and the gang mentality. If you're not with them, you're against them, and that makes them hardly nice people.

Two, gang members are often victims of other gang members. The sad part is that it is often people who don't gang bang who become victims just for being close. For example, back in '97 one of my homeboys took his cousin, (who was a straight A student) to a neighborhood party. From what I was told, the kid was having a good time dancing with a girl when a drive-by occurred. Three of my homies were killed, as well as my homie's cousin. AK47 ammunition isn't smart, bullets don't have names on them and innocents of gang violence all too often become victims.

Your mom, as well as I, don't find that acceptable, because if something happened to you, she would spend the rest of her life blaming herself for not making sure her child was safe.

Courtney, can you live with that? You seem intelligent, so you have to know she's not saying "no" just to be mean. The lady obviously loves you. I only wish my own moms had the insight and integrity to get me out of the gang life. I figure I wouldn't be here now.

What you need to do is give the woman a hug and a kiss, as well as an apology, for stressing her out. Thanking her profusely for looking out for your best interest.

I'll pray for you, Courtney, so that you may make the right decision.

Pharoah
California


Dear Courtney,

I believe your mom has a good reason as to why she does not want you hanging around with gang members. I’m assuming you’re probably attracted to the way they talk, act and dress, not to mention their parties and cars. But what about the other things that go on in a gang like drug selling or drug using, the rapes of girls who want to join in, the robberies, the shootings, the life sentences in prison. Believe it or not, even girls who only associate with gangs can get killed or end up in prison. What if you are kicking it with these friends of yours, and some rival gangsters pull up to shoot your friends, but since you are with them, they won’t care you are not actually from that gang.

The reason I say this is because it happened to a friend of mine who used to hang out with my gang. One day, we were cutting school at a nearby park when suddenly bullets were flying everywhere in our direction. The dudes who were shooting at us didn’t even ask anything. She was the only one who ended up with a bullet in her chest. Luckily she didn’t die, but it sure put the fear of God in her. After that she didn’t want to hang out with us anymore.

I myself was attracted to the way gang members in my school dressed. One day I decided to go all the way and become a gang member. I even decided to run away from home (bad choice). Needless to say, my mom wasn’t accepting my new ways. Soon after, I was involved with the other things of that life. I witnessed so much disregard for the life of others, even innocent people who didn’t have anything to do with gangs. As a result of my choice of becoming a gang member, I ended up in prison a year after. At the age of 17, I was facing life in an adult prison.

Being a member of a gang only creates more problems in here. I was 16 years old when I decided to become a cholo (gang member). Now I’m almost 29. I have been in prison for eleven years and have many more to do, and although I am surrounded by hundreds of people in here, I find my self all alone - for there is no loyalty among thieves - believe me.

Besides, you sound like a very clever girl. You don’t have to totally shun them, but little by little you can start separating your self from those types. Maybe after reading this, it can give you an idea of why your mom doesn’t want you hanging out with gang members. Be an individual. Don’t fall into the peer pressure others create.

With respect - someone who cares - G. Alvarado
California

[Common Sense]

Should I join if it depends on staying alive in the ghetto city of LOS ANGELES? You don’t know how hard it is over here. If you don’t claim a click you dead cuz they know you don’t have no one to back you up. If I don’t join I would have no one to have my back so if I get into a problem in school I’ll have no one to get my back. The cholas don’t give a f... they’ll do anything to get you out their way

Tia


Tia:

Hi, there. I want you to know that I'm a gang member and it's not all it's cracked up to be!! To let you know, nobody really has your back except your family. Also, if you need somebody to have your back, that means you're getting into problems at school. Keep yourself away from those problems and you won't need anyone to have your back. Also, if you start banging, your gang's enemies will really start messing with you, so joining a gang will just bring more problems.

Sincerely - Samuel
California


To Tia,

If you think that you don’t have any other choice but to join a gang, because like you said, you live in the ghetto in LA., think again! I too have lived in the worst conditions possible in LA. I was a young kid when I decided to join a gang, not because I didn’t have other options, but because I thought it was the thing to do.

Maybe if you stay away from all those people, even if you have to humble yourself (There’s nothing wrong with that) in the long run you’ll see that all those tough people will only end up dead or in prison or with a bunch of fatherless kids. Now, if you want that for yourself, well then…? But I can tell that you don’t.

You don’t need a whole lot of so-called homeboys or homegirls to feel good. Try to find something you like to do. I believe that each of us has a gift within ourselves. It is only a matter of being brave and finding what it is.

In other words, what are you going to give the world, more grief or something worth having? Think about that for a moment. I know that each of us is different with different thoughts, but the results of our actions are pretty much the same. There are many people in here with me that went through the same I did. So don’t let yourself become a meaningless person as many of us have. Think big and find joy in small things that make you happy and mean a lot to you.

I am 27 now. I was 17 when I first came here. It has been a hard path, and for what? I don’t get help from any of my old homeboys or homegirls, not even a letter or a hello on the phone. It is real; I’m not making it up. I am in prison because of what I did for my barrio and now I see how stupid I was to even think my homeboys would always be there when I needed them - yeah right!

Like I’ve said, it has been ten years locked up now and if only I could get back to that time when I decided to become part of a gang, I wouldn’t have done it. Not to mention all the people I’ve hurt because of my actions.

Well Tia, I hope you’ll make the right choice for yourself, because at the end of the day, you are going to be the one to answer to all the bad choices you make. Is it worth it? Answer that to yourself. For now I’ll say good-bye.

With respect - G. Alvarado
California


Tia,

It sounds like your mind is almost already made up. Let me speak to the part that is still striving to make it out of the ghetto. What price will have to pay when you’re up to bat, when you decided to start going against what feels right fit you? I know you are in your truth, when you tell me how hard your life is. Know that I’m in my truth when I say how much harder life becomes once your actions, thoughts, and safety are dictated by those who will never love you as much as they love themselves - which leaves you cold, hungry, and betrayed.

Brian H.
California

[Common Sense]

I don’t know what to do any more. A lot of my friends have turned to gangs now and I don’t see what’s so bad about them. Some of my friends said aren’t you scared of getting shot or having the shit beat out of you and the only thing I can think of is that I’m not afraid to die since I have tried killing myself since I was 12 and having the shit beat out of me doesn’t bother me because it wouldn’t be the first.

I live in a city that a lot of people know and the only thing that you can really get involved with is gangs. I’m already a rep and I’m thinking about taking the next step and getting beat in. At this point in my life I’m real confused because I’m a senior in high school and I’m about to get out there in the real world. I just wish to hear from people who have seen what I’ve seen and going thru what I’m going thru. I don’t want to end up in prison. That’s the last place I want to be but I feel if I don’t change my ways I'll be where yall are. I only ask that someone write and tell me the downsides and tell me stories that will scare me out of wanting join.

Rebecca


Dear Rebecca,

What's up how you doin'? Hopefully when these lines reach your hands you and your Loved Ones are in the best of health: Physical, Mental and especially Spiritual/Emotional!!!

First and foremost let me tell you that when I was approached to write you there was no way I could have said no. Reasons being: I lived what you're living and made the mistake at the place where you are now; and it’s so close.

Well, my name is Luis, I got locked up at the age of 16, which by the way I had just turned a few months before gettin' pinched. I was sentenced to 30 to life for one murder and 30 to life for another, runnin' separate. That means I'm actually doin' 60 years to double life. I won't be able to see parole 'till I'm 76 years old and if I haven't died in this hell-hole by then, it's a high probability that they will not let me out. For what, I can't start my 1ife over at that age anyway! Every chance for me to start a life, get my own house or not be told what to do is gone. I will never have anything outside what I've made from very little in here. So here I am, seemingly a man who shouldn't give a fuck about the world and really doesn't have anything to live for. Why care to write? Because of the the genuine concern I have for you, and after battlin' most of my life I've finally become more than just what happens to me, I've chosen to happen on others things now.

I read your message, and felt I could relate. Don't sweat it, I don't throw stones, I try to never throw more weight on someone when they're already feelin' down nor to be judgmental. Whether you end up feelin' what I'm sayin' remains to be known but know that I speak from the heart and without fear, and my thoughts are honest.

I'm originally from North Miami Beach. Sounds hot, like it's the spot, but it really isn't. Well some of it was, and it can be, but one could turn paradise into hell real quick if you don't learn to really see things for what they really are. If one dwells in their pain like I did, gold will turn to shit, I too attempted suicide in my teens and looking back at it now I see that the numbness that came afterwards was my psyche hiding from the fact that it wasn't that I wasn't afraid to die but that I was afraid to live. There had been so much failure in my life that I was scared to keep failing so why bother, right!? But there's more to life than what happens to us, not to say that what happens to us isn't important, far from it!!! It's just that many of us can't see past our own pain - that goes for kids to adults and every thin' in between. And we need to, if we are ever goin' to make something of ourselves and therefore become really happy, not just "fun happy" that depends on others and fades away once they are gone or somethin’ bad happens. I’m talkin’ about REAL happiness that lasts! Because your so content and proud with yourself and your life that it doesn’t matter what goes on around you. And you do that by setting goals and seeing that they get accomplished, little by little. Start off with small goals and build yourself up. You’ll know when to take it up a notch. Remember and keep in mind that ultimately these goals are being accomplished by you and for you. It’s great that others look at us with admiration and be proud of us, but first and foremost we have to have love for self. Then we start givin’ a f@#$%! And the anger we had can turn into something positive, something that pushes us closer to our goals when we need that extra umph, instead of something that instead of what keeps us from progressin’! That’s how I live and mentally survive in a place like this. Though I could never be REAL happy (the simple fact that I’m in prison stops me from achieving that), livin’ like I could has gotten me closer than anythin’ else. So you need to open your eyes and realize that you are worth more to yourself, to those who are lookin’ up to you (which you may not even realize), and to your people. You are about to graduate (and you need to continue your education afterwards even if it’s out of your public library) and are in a crossroad, a similar spot that I was also in.

Listen, I had come up here from North Miami Beach like I mentioned already. Why? Because my Moms wanted to make a last attempt to save my life. I was runnin’ with a gang down there and things were getting’ real thick: at home, in the streets, and in school.

I never had a father, and that left such an enormous hole in my soul that I couldn’t really function sometimes. Who would teach me sports, about girls, or guide me into becoming a man? It always left me feelin’ like I wasn’t a full human being, you know what I mean? Anyway, part of the reasons I began bangin’ was because I seen that these cats didn’t take s@#$ and I thought that was a grown man’s quality. I wanted that - I wanted to fill the hole in me. Little did I know that these cats were the farthest thing from a real man. They couldn’t help me; they were me: lost without direction and happy to have found a corner in life where they wouldn’t be judged because they didn’t know this or that and weren’t the perfect little sons or daughters. But damn, the price one has to pay for that comfort is too much, especially when they can find it elsewhere if they look a little longer for it. I myself met death on a few occasions, and in some of them I invited him. The things we would have girls do, puttin’ them out there in danger, using them for sex, never holdin’ any real love for them - they deserved more, regardless of what they might have already done! They gave more to us than we did to them. Simply said - too much to pay. I used to stick up for girls at times because the fear in their eyes was hard to ignore and the fellas called me “captain save a hoe.” Believe that I stopped when they started questioning my loyalty. And I always thought the girls were part of this, as well as the girls did, soldier sisters you know. None of that - that was a front. How else would a guy get away with treating a girl in those ways without gettin' smacked or four brothers lookin' for him? This isn't the life you need nor really want.

Don't be afraid of hard work and success; many of us were. I would get high to escape, and I also treated every thing 1ike a joke like I didn't give a f@#$, for the same reason, to escape. Honestly, I used to feel like if I did start givin' f@#$ I would break down and I was afraid of that. So many years of holdin' things bottled up I wouldn't know where to begin. Plus I built a rep' that I had to maintain and believed could never escape IT. I was goin' to be one way my whole life - one of the many dumb things I allowed myself to believe, like believing I was stupid and so on. Who you were at 12 ain’t who you are now and you won’t be the same when you're 21. This continues until the Creator turns our lights out. Because we learn new things, therefore becoming able to handle more things, and with options everything changes. You have to create them for yourself though 'cause they're rarely given. The few times they are given we're too busy with our own s@#$, that we don't recognize them.

That brings me back to why we came to this state. My Moms, as much as she loved me, (which by the way I honestly believe she had stopped doin' that a long time ago) had me move in with my uncle a day after his wedding. Talk about feelin' out of place. But being family they took me in without hesitation. I felt Mom was pushin' me away and picking my stepfather over me. Like this was a polite way of kickin' me out. She didn't want the rest of the family to know how we really got down so she was gettin' rid of me and choosin' him. Really, she didn't want the family to pre-judge me by exposin' them to years of mess that would make it easier to judge than to understand.

Anyway, they took me in with open arms. They were still in their 20's so they weren't all that country. When I started school they'd ask me about it and wanted to help with my homework all enthusiastically. I was like damn what twilight zone did I enter, this was the Brady Bunch s@#$ I was askin' for just few months before. Suddenly, little by little things started to change with me. There where more family members who I could talk to and it made me want to be better. Not like in Miami when the family I knew basically didn't want me (which they did I just felt that way cause of all the mess) or trust my attempts to change. Here when I tried to become better they would encourage me, not like in Miami when my Moms would be like what's he up to or that's just a faze he's goin' through. That had me thinkin' why? After I had asked for this for so long, goin' through mad s@#$, now it suddenly falls in my lap? Ah because Moms knew me, and my family up here got this clean version of me. How would they act if they knew of all I did back then?

I wished I could erase it - but I couldn't. So I began to feel that I wasn't really deserving of their love, trust or anything. I felt that when they found out who I was everything would change. So without even givin' them the chance to prove their love I made my mind up not to trust it. I felt like I could never escape past transgressions, or who I was, too much dirt to ever be clean. I thought loved had to be earned, and I sure as hell didn't earn it. And the bigger mistake was that I thought I couldn't earn it. When I finally applied myself to school I wouldn't do good; and in the past I didn't even have to try at all. I began feeling like I was stupid! Not once did I put together the fact that all those years of skipping would affect me the way it did. I just thought I became stupid out of the blue. Well, come to think about it I was dumb for believin' that it would be easy to come back to school and do good after so many years wasted. It wasn't that I couldn't get it back, I've always been smart, I just wanted it to easy and when it wasn't, the easy thing to do was to say f@#$ it.

I couldn't live to their expectations, which they never held any, to begin with. They just wanted me to do as well as I could with anything in life. I just couldn't let go of the past. And only now I realize it was cause I haven't been forgiven for it, by anyone or myself - where it always has to begin. So I guess not letting go of it was subconsciously a way of waitin' to be forgiven for it, so that I could honestly and wholeheartedly move on with my life. And believe me I wanted to so bad. Yet the past was always there tellin' me I wasn't s@#$ and will never be s@#$!

So I decided to make up something to get me out of that house and back into my Moms. Over there I could do what I wanted, and what I wanted was to find those like me so I wouldn't have to feel ashamed. So I started hangin' out again, gettin' lit-up and skippin' school. But I'd already had a taste of that good life and caught a glimpse of what I could have been if I simply applied myself to somethin' longer than 3 months.

So one day me and this kid, pimple-face Jose (name explains it all), were walking down the street. We were talkin' s@#$ then got bored with' it, turned to each other and were like, "Damn we ain’t doin' s@#$ with our lives and I'm tired if it." I was tired of just smokin', hangin' out and just existing not really livin'. We told each other, that was it. He kept to it. Exactly one week later I went out to hang out and since nothin' ever happens hangin' out, since it was so routine I never gave it a second thought. Later that day I ended in someone's house takin' their lives.

The reasons I mention that was that you may see from my mistake that once you set a goal to change for the better, follow through no matter what. Come hell or highwater. Be persistent even if those closest to you don't offer the support you'd expect from them. Remember in the end it’s for your benefit. They will get the joy as a consequence later on; don't worry about it. Get yourself together and movin' forward first.

By the way, they may very well be givin' you support but you don't recognize it. They may very well mean to give it to you but are comin' at you the wrong way. I didn't understand at the time that Moms workin' two jobs and tellin' me to do this and that, was out of love. To me I saw it like, "yeah she works to support me because it’s the law, I'm a chore to her, and when I'm not that then I'm her slave." And she didn't understand that from the angle she was approachin' me with (tryin' to save me as she was) didn't work, it didn't register. So instead of tryin' another method she just tried harder with the one she knew, the one she was clueless about never workin'. So try to ease up on Fam's, as they should with you.

The other reason I mentioned that is that sometimes routine can be the biggest obstacle. We are creatures of habit. We flirt with change but we love and cling to what's familiar. Sometimes it seems hard just to break habits or to move on after they are broken, shhhh that may turn out easier than first thought.

A lot of what you said took me back & bruised a joka's heart and I don't really know you. However what I believe to be the core of you still shone through amidst all that bad s@#$ you wrote about doin'. You're a survivor 'cause after all that's happened in your life you still want help; you don't want to throw your life away to a prison. So you do know your value, you may just have trouble in gettin' one foot in front of the other and as hard as it may seem it's easy after you begin; progress becomes you.

Instead of scaring you I'm tryin' to educate. It lasts longer 'cause its real. Fear can turn to resentment, then anger, then hate, if the root is negative so will everything that stems from it. Education on the other hand empowers. Education is very important; it will set you free by makin' you independent where you wouldn't have to go from dependin' on parents to dependin' on a man. Those times are done with. You shouldn't depend on others to make you happy; it comes from within yourself first of all, and when others do, consider it a blessin'. You're too good for all the silly shit your doin' to yourself. So please stop. I know you must be tired of it, you implied so yourself.

If you don't know how, keep reachin' out to people. I'm pretty sure there are other examples out there as well and doubt that the only thing out for you to do in Houston is bang. Look to people you normally wouldn't consider friends but be choosy don't go to just anyone. Look for the qualities you hope to cultivate in yourself. When you find that someone with those qualities (that example you seek) learn all you can from them and make those qualities your own. So if for any reason yah get separated your progress continues and doesn't depend solely on that person being there with you.

Well this is all. Sorry if it was too long. Believe it or not I could have kept goin' but I'm even tired of hearin' myself think. Sorry if I bored you. I just wanted to let you know that you weren't the only one who's gone through stuff like this, that you're not alone and offer some advice for whatever it's worth. Listen Ma' keep your head up and don't let no one or anything stop you from progressing. Deal with your problems one at a time.

In progress and with respect - Luis B.
New Jersey




Dear Rebecca,

Fear or to be scared out of an act is not what you need. From your letter, I feel you already have your answers to your problems. Also, the last thing you need is to verify yourself in the approval of others. With that said, you mentioned that you are not afraid to die. Please, are you afraid then of living? There is a difference and many are afraid to live and risk failing at something.

Michael D.
New Jersey


What’s up Rebecca,

I can see by your cry for help that you really don’t want to belong to any gang but you feel that to not belong will probably make you an outcast. Let us consider what’s more important here, your present state of being or your potential future expectations.

I can assume by your letter that you have already gone through several trials and tribulations in your life and you seem to believe that it’s alright to experience all those negative experiences. Well Rebecca, I’m here to convey to you that your life should be worth may more to you than being a member of some gang and following the orders of someone who really doesn’t care about your well being, but rather how well you tend ot follow orders. Rebecca, I think what you really need to do is to stop trying to prove to the world that you can survive an ass whipping and begin to consider where you really want to be in the future, should there be a future for you. Your worth is far greater than being in any gang; don’t you think so? I mean that if you only see yourself as a constant victim of your environment, then surely you will make the wrong choice. But if you truly realize that you are more precious than those trials and tribulations that you have endured, then surely you will make the right choice to change the path in which you feel you have to constantly prove your self worth - because the only thing you really have to prove to yourself is that you can truly overcome the obstacles that tend to bind you to your fate and choose a far better fate for yourself, one where your worth will be appreciated for who you are and not what you are.

Rebecca, you must always remember that you only have one life to live; so, I suggest to you that you do so with the expectation of achieving a better life for yourself and not one with the possibility of you ending up either in prison or dead. So please ponder your future, because the life you save may be your own.

Peace! - Pablo M.
New Jersey

[THE JAMEL WEEKS STORY]

GREAT POST GOOD WORK

[Common Sense]

A couple of weeks ago I told my boyfriend that I'm pregnant and that he needs to get out of the gang life and get a job to help support me and the baby when it gets here. He said that he’s not going to stop living the gang life and that in a couple of weeks he’s going to run away with his "homeboys" and the only way he’s going to take care of the baby is if I run away with him but first I would have to join his gang. He says that everything will be alright after I join and that not only he will take care of that baby, so will all the members of the gang. What should I do?

Sincerely - Heather


Dear Heather,

I do hope you have not decided to follow the garbage your boyfriend recommended. You are pregnant and need to think beyond yourself and what you need. The important thing now is your well being because your baby requires that. Your boyfriend obviously cares very little for you, and he is not ready to be responsible for his child.

You must be the strong one here Heather. Joining his gang and running away will not better the situation, and it will not make him a responsible parent. If you have other family support, I suggest you work on strengthening those family ties. If not, please get together with someone from your community who would be able to help you or at the very least guide you in the direction to best give you an opportunity at a good future for you and your baby.

Luis D.
New Jersey

[Common Sense]

My name is Lori and I just wanted to know what kind of schedules you have in prison. I would like 7 days a week (Sun-Sat). Thank you.


Security Housing Unit (SHU) at Pelican Bay
(Prison Gang Members and Associates Housed There Permanently
Those Who Break Prison Rules Housed There from 6 Months to 3 Years.)

The majority of people are housed on single-cell status. which means everything you do, you do alone - isolation at its best. May I point out that this institution is windowless. If you do have a cellie, you and your cellie do everything alone.

Yard Program seven days a week. Every day the correctional officer (C.O.) asks if you wish to go to the yard 1 1/2 hours. The yards here are small, 25 feet by 12 to 15 feet with 20 foot walls. There is a video camera to keep a tight eye on us. They don't provide handballs, basketball, or any other sport or exercise activity. The only thing you can do is walk around in circles, 24 steps to a circle.

Showers three times a week, 10 minutes max. A disposable razor will be checked out to you on shower days. You have to shave in the shower.

There is no smoking, no use of the telephones, no church (only available on an individual basis), no school and no jobs. You are allowed two reading books per month.

Visiting is limited to 2 1/2 hours, one visit per day on Saturday and Sunday through a window. An appointment must be made at least 24 hours in advance. This prison is located 1000 miles, a 14 hour drive, from my home-town. No one comes to visit me.

Escort Procedures. Every time you leave the pod, you must submit to an unclothed body search, and be placed in handcuffs or in waist chains at all times while under escort by two C.Os. You will be run through a metal detector.

Juan
California



Level IV Prison in California
(Levels Range From I to IV With IV Being the Most Secure and Restricted.)

Monday through Friday I get up at 6:30 a.m. and go to eat chow. Then after the CO's (cops) lock everyone in their assigned cells. After every door is secure, then they let out the porters about 7:30 a.m. to clean the unit. I'm a pay number porter. I get paid for my job. I start at 7:30 a.m. and I'm off work at 2:00 p.m. seven days a week. At 2:00 p.m., I go out to the yard to play handball or soccer till yard recall at 3:45. As soon as you come home from yard all sweaty you have to "bird bath" in your cell before they call your assigned units for to go eat. Sometimes I don't walk to chow so that I can shower at home. I eat my homemade soup with a lot of stuff beef jerky, cheese, ham, onion chips and you know. Count's at 6 p.m. so between 4 p.m. and 9 p.m. I kick it in the cell and watch TV or listen to the radio [families - not the prison may provide a small TV or radio]. There goes my day. It ain't much of a routine but it keeps me out of trouble. I have lots of friends - nice people. I talk with them at times. Level IV is not so bad but you have to expect lock down once or twice a month.

For inmates who are not at work or at school - on even days only, bottom tier goes to the yard in the morning 10:00 a.m. until 12:00 noon. On odd number days they go from 1:30 till 3:45 p.m. and the top tier goes in the morning. While one tier is at the yard, the CO's run showers for the people in the other tier four cells at a time. And also phones for that tier only. At noon, the cops call yard recall and everyone who is not in school goes back to their housing unit and their assigned cells for closed custody count.

Chow starts at 4 p.m. The CO's are trying to hurry everyone up at the chow hall so that every housing unit eats before the p.m. count. At 7:30, the CO's run dayroom for closed custody B and medium A's (lower security level inmates) so that they can get their shower or use the phone or watch TV and chat with friends. At 9:00 p.m., every inmate in the level IV prison is in their assigned cells for count and a good night sleep till the next day.

Fridays at 1:30 p.m. visiting starts. It terminates for closed custody inmates at 3:30 p.m. but medium custody inmates can stay out in the visiting room till 8 p.m.

Saturday's and Sunday's program is the day off for every inmate that goes to school and works at vocational trades (auto repair and so on). Visiting is 9:00 a.m. through 3:30 p.m. for everyone.

de Jesus, Jr.
California





Level III Prison in California

3:30 a.m. - The morning starts by me getting woken up by a flashlight in my face and a C.O. calling, "Are you going to work today"?
4:00 a.m. - I walk into an institutional "Dennys" - the kitchen - to see the same faces and the same food day after day.
6:30 a.m. - Inmates are walking into the chow hall like cattle.
8:30 a.m. - Work is done and I'm headed to the bars to work out.
10:00 a.m. - I'm back in the building taking a shower.
11:00 a.m. - I'm eating lunch and then taking a nap.
1:30 p.m. - I'm waking up to work on college courses.
5:00 p.m. - It's dinner time.
5:30 p.m. - It's back to college work.
9:30 p.m. - I call it a night, say my prayers and go to sleep.

The days vary if it's the weekend or on a lock-down situation

Desi
California



Level II Prison in California

I get up at 7:00 a.m. to go eat (chow). Then the yard opens from 9:00 a.m. till 4:00 p.m. I play basketball or work out on the bars.

At 4:45 is recall. You stay in your bunks for count. Then it's chow at 5:30 p.m.

The yard opens at 7:00 p.m. Then yard recall is at 9:00 p.m. The dayroom recall is at 9:30 p.m. for count. Then the dayroom opens again at 10:30p.m. until 11:45p.m.

Then you start all over again. It may differ with smog or on 1st watch status when their ain't no movement.

Ricky
California

[Webmasters note: A schedule like this with no work or school will not allow a prisoner to earn days off for good behavior. There is often a waiting list for jobs and school.]



Level I Prison in California

I get up at 6:00 a.m. and go to eat breakfast.

Around 7:00 a.m. I go to work. (I am a porter in the program office.) So I just go to the program office here and clean up, which usually only takes me like 15 to 30 minutes, and then I come back to the bunk area, clean it up and the just kick it - read, draw or write.

Around 11:00 a.m. I go out to the yard to work out or sometimes to play handball. I come back in around 2:00 p.m. or 3:00 p.mm and take a shower.

By 4:00 p.m., I'm already cleaned up and socializing with the fellas here.

At 6:00 p.m., it's dinner time and until 11:00 p.m. you could do pretty much whatever you choose to do.

That's pretty much my schedule here right now. Yard is open from 8:00 a.m. to 9:00 p.m. on a regular pasis. Phones are from 8:00 a.m. to 8:45.

They don't have no kind of education programs or trades here in this yard.

Javier
California



Youthful Offenders Program
(Youth under 18 in Adult Prison)

Administrative Segregation Program
(Punishment for Infractions within the Prison)

At 6:30 a.m., I wake up to breakfast served in my room.
Monday through Friday, after breakfast, I hit the yard with two other homies for two hours.
After yard, I come back and “bird bath” since here we only shower three times a week.

Top tier showers Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

Bottom tier showers Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.
Besides these yard hours, there is no other time out of your room, so you are stuck the other 158 hours a week, you in your room.
Whatever you do in your room, you do a lot of. If you draw, you do a lot of that. If you read, you do a lot of that, etc.
Now visiting is one hour a week, Saturday or Sunday, through the glass.
Shaving, you shave in the shower which is locked. The showers are 15 minutes at the most.
One last thing, you never ever leave your room without being handcuffed first.

Enrique
California




Is the schedule from juvenile hall different from the prison schedule?

- Erika

Juvenile Hall Schedule - Monday through Friday


6:00 - Wake up, sweep our rooms, and use the bathroom if we want to
6:30 - Breakfast
7:00 - Go down to our rooms
7:15 - 7:45 - Hygiene - brush our teeth and use the bathroom (During hygiene, all minors are in their rooms. They get popped out 4 at a time).
8:00 - 9:30 - School
9:35 - 9:45 - Go back to unit for a break (use the bathroom)
9:50 - 11:20 - School
11:25 - Go back to the unit for lunch
11:30 - 12:00 - Lunch
12:05 - 12:30 - Hygiene - brush teeth, use bathroom
12:37 - 2:10 - School
2:15 - Go back to the unit and go straight down to our rooms
2:40 - 3:40 - Large muscle exercise (LME)
3:45 - 4:20 - Showers (All minors are in their rooms. They get popped out 5 at a time for showers)
4:30 - 5:00 - Dinner
5:15 - 5:45 - Hygiene - brush teeth, use bathroom
6:00 - 6:30 - No one comes out because staff are taking their break
6:35 - 7:30 - Come out to watch a program
7:30 - 9:00 - Free time
9:00 - Go down to rooms
9:05 - 9:30 - "Cart" minors come out for late night (clean the unit)
9:45 - Last head calls (Use the bathroom if you want to)
9:55 - Lights out (go to bed)

Ben S.
California



Juvenile Hall Maximum Security Unit


This unit house people accused of murderer, rape, and other serious crimes. Inmates in this unit wake up at 6:30 for breakfast. It depends what group you're in to eat out of your cell for each meal because we have a different schedule for every group. There's four groups. When you first arrive, you head straight to group 4. Group 4 eats out only 4 meals a week.

Every group comes out once a day for one hour of large muscle exercise. That's the only time we have to see the sun. You get it from in the morning sometime between 7 and 12 noon. And as for school, we all receive 45 minutes of school. After school, we head down to our cell and kick back until showers which are 5 minutes. After showers, we head back until dinner, and after dinner we go for our social time.Basically, groups 4 & 3 have the same program. They get 45 minutes of social time. At that time you can use the phone, get books, watch TV and get your supplies that you need. Group 2 receives one full hour of social time. Group one is the "cart" people. They set up our clothes and food and they clean up the whole unit. Basically, they're out or their room most of the time and as a reward for cleaning and being on their best behavior, they get treats.

There's a toilet in the cell and four walls around us and a steel door and two beds. They house two inmates in each room unless you're a sex-offender. To pass the time in our two-man cell, we work out or we talk through the vent that all the rooms have. We use it to talk to other inmates. That's all we do in our cell. As the day ends and just wait for the next day.

Since me and my cellmate have been here, we seen other inmates come and go. Fifteen year old inmates sometimes get life without parole. Just to let you know, we are both youngsters, so if you're a youngster and want to live the life of a gang member, this is where you're going to end up. I'm not telling you to change your life because I will be a hypocrite. I'm just saying there's better things in life than to be something that you're not. This ain't the way to go. May God bless you all because we been blessed.

Benjamin G. and Randy A.
California



Is it true that they can tear apart your cell if they think you have something hidden there without even apologizing?

If they think you have something in your room, yes they will and they'll be talking to you while they're doing it. That's why I don't really get too attached to the materials in my locker.

Angel
California




When a person loses his/her liberty and is sent to prison he/she also loses many other rights - including the right to privacy and to be free from search and seizure. So, yes, if for whatever reason, staff wants to conduct a search of a prisoner's person (body), his/her personal property, and/or the cell he/she occupies, they (staff) has the authority and support to do so. This of course meaning they're able to do so even if force - "within strict guidelines" - is necessary.

Certainly if a search is done and it turns out staff was mistaken about what he thought the prisoner possessed then the decent thing to do would be to apologize. However, through my experience I've learned there are many in today's society who feel a prisoner is less human and therefore undeserving of things such as common decency, courtesy, respect, etc... sad, but true.

Tomas
California

[Common Sense]

My name is Ruben and I just wanted to know if there's any chance for an inmate in prison, if he does not either kill or join a gang for protection? Your answer would be valuable to me, as would your thoughts on life. Thank you very much.

Ruben, I do hope you are not asking this question because you might become or are in danger of becoming an inmate any time soon or in the future. Going to prison is to be avoided at all cost. As for your question, wheter you are in prison or anywhere in the community, people will more often than not treat you depending on how you come across, or how you present yourself to them. You do not have to kill anyone or join a gang in order to be able to make it in prison. The prison environment is very volatile, so one cannot walk around here as if one was home or on the outside. However, this does not mean that as a prisoner I have to totally forget or leave behind who I am and what I have to do in order to prepare for my eventual release. I have been in prison now for 16 years and I have not had to kill anyone or join a gang in order to survive. But entering the system I did have to prove myself to other prisoners who thought that because I was on my own I would be easy prey. During my earlier years there were plenty of fights, too many fights. There were some I won, but there wer others where I got my butt whipped bad. But even during those I lost the message was sent. Even when a prisoner is out-numbered and being tested, you have to fight or be a victim during your entire prison stay. Some gangs tried to recruit me, as many others I knew, and when being turned down, gang members tend to get upset at that. A prisoner does not have to join a gang for protection; he or she just has to stand by their principles no matter what the consequences are. As with most things, in time he or she will get respect for being his or her own person.

Ruben, whether in prison or out there where you are, you have to decide who you are and what you stand for. Sit down and decide what you want out of life. Set yourself some short and long term goals and work towards making those goals come true. You know your own capacity and your limitations, so be realistic when setting your goals. Just do not put yourself in a situation that could land you in prison or worse when making those goals a reality. It will not be easy, but take it from me, it will be easier than being here. Should you need any further information, please continue to write.

Luis
New Jersey

[Common Sense]

What kind of stuff do you do in gangs?

Justin

Justin,

The kind of things we do in a gang is mostly fighting. We fight against other gangs to show pride for our own gang, but in reality, we don’t even know what we’re fighting for. And by the time we realize this, it’s too late.

Someone who cares
California


If you weren't in prison do you think you would still be in the gang or think the same way you do now?

Diana

Honestly Diana, I cannot give you an anwser in pure confidence either way. I know that I would have made the change eventually; but if I would have changed my way of thinking by nineteen like I did here, while on the streets I don't honestly know. This was my biggest mistake -- waiting to make change in my life instead of just doing it. However, I will give you some of my experience and hope that you are able to take something positive from it.

I'm originally from North Miami Beach, and against popular belief, it's not all fun and sun. One of the two major reasons for my family moving here to New Jersey was to get me away from the gang life I was living. When I got up here, my surroundings had changed but I didn't. I fell into a depression, still wanted to click-up and hang on the streets like I was doing before.

There was one difference now though. I had more family members involved in my life, so I began to slow down. I had a lot more people to answer to and I didn't want to let them down. I was still depressed though, wasn't doing good in school, and I was missing all my friends. I guess acting and being the way I was, was a way of holding on to them. Still, second thoughts started to come into my mind and heart. More people caring for me (family members and some real friends) made me start caring about myself more. That had me starting to look towards a future, a future I used to believe that, with all my heart and soul, wasn't there.

Obviously something went wrong since I am writing you from prison!

A week before I caught this charge (murder) I told one of my friends that I had enough of this life, meaning that I was tired of hanging out, getting high, and living a life that was not going to take me anywhere I wanted to be, ironically! Still, as bad as I wanted to change, I didn't know how. I knew that living that way was wrong but I didn't know how to put one foot in front of the other in order to walk into a better life. As silly as it may sound, I was afraid to ask for help. I thought that I would be looked upon as strange or weak, even by my own family. The thing is that, though I wasn't strange (no teenager should be expected to know how to handle life) I was weak, in not recognizing my weakness of mind and emotion and asking for help. Routine turned out to be stronger than anything else and I went to hang out a week after. Since hanging out didn't consist of doing much, I didn't think much of it. Well that day it consisted of me getting a double life sentence.

The first year though I was never scared; I was confused, going to court not understanding anything about it. I moved from juvi' hall to the county jail and then to prison. For the next year I was very angry with everyone and everything, but mostly myself. I was so close to not even being in this place, but since hanging out was so routine, I didn't think anything would happen since nothing usually happened, like I said before.

Anger eventually left from me. I figured I still had to honor the statement I made a week before falling into this. My life is already controlled by others the way it had been on the streets. Now at least, I can choose the type of person I will die as. Furthermore, I don't do this time by myself. My family also does this time with me, so my punishment doesn't just come from physically being locked-up, but their continued pain is even harder to deal with sometimes. With the love I have for myself, the conviction and all these reasons, I have to make something out of my life -- even from inside prison!

So, even before prison I began to think in the manner I do now but I had no direction or conviction and was weak to my way if life, my routine. As bad as I want to tell you that I wouldn't be in a gang and still think the way I do now, I'm not 100% sure. I know that if I was to get out of here today I wouldn't be the same, cause I'm not the same. I am a man now and can proudly stand on my own two feet.

I still have love for the people I dealt with. That hasn't changed, but I know that I don't have to do, or be in, the same things they do. If anything I would try to get them away from that life, if they're still in it (I don't know since I never heard anything from any of them since this happened). My love is too real and big for me to let them fall further into that hole. I don't need anything I used to get from that life. Even though one or two things I got from it were good, most of it was bad; and I'd gladly do without those few good things not to get all that bad stuff that comes with it. You can find real love, patience and understanding elsewhere without all that other bull@#$%!

The last thing I want to do is to leave you with the impression that prison is a place to get your @#$%! together. Everyone can and should do it out of prison, just have the heart and conviction to do it. Take yourself importantly an be smart, cause you are important!!! I hope I have come close to answering your question and that you could gain some insight from reading this letter. You don't have to live something in person to know it or understand it as being wrong!

In progress and with love - Luis B.
New Jersey