Are Black Women Scaring off their Men

[alexalonso]

This message was sent to me on January 15, 2000
and I am posting because I found it very interesting. Enjoy

ARE BLACK WOMEN SCARING OFF THEIR MEN?

Have you met this woman? She has a good job, works hard, and earns a good salary. She went to college, got her master's degree, and she is intelligent. She is personable, articulate, well-read, interested in everybody and everything. Yet, she's single.

Or maybe you know this one. She is active in the church, faithful, and committed. She sings in the choir, serves on the usher board, attends every committee meeting. Loves the Lord and knows the Word.

You'd think that with her command of the Scriptures and the respect of her church members, she'd have a marriage as solid as a rock. But again, no husband.

Or perhaps you recognize the community activist. She's a black lady, or as she prefers, an African American woman on the move. She sports a short natural, sometimes cornrow braids, or even dreadlocks.

She's an organizer, a motivator, and a dynamo. Her work for her people speaks for itself, organizing women for a self-help collective, raising funds for a community cause, educating others around a new issue in South Africa. Black folks look up to her, and white Folks know she's a force to be reckoned with. Yet once again, the men leave her alone.

What do these women have in common? They have so much; what is it they lack? Why is it they may be able to hook a man but can't hold him? The women puzzle over this quandary themselves. They gather at professional clubs, at sorority meetings or over coffee at the office and wonder what's wrong with black men.

They hold special prayer vigils, fast, pray and beg Jesus to send the men back to church. They find the brothers attending political strategizing sessions or participating in protests, but when it comes time to go home, the brothers go home to someone else.

I know these women because I am all of these women. And after asking over and over again "What's Wrong with these men?” it finally dawned on me to ask The question, "What's WRONG WITH US WOMEN?"

What I have found, and what many of these women have yet to discover, is that the skills that make one successful in the church, community or career, are not the skills that make one successful in a relationship.

Linear thinking, self-reliance, structured goals and direct actions assist one in getting assignments done in organizing church or club activities or in positioning oneself for a raise. But relationship building requires different skills.

It requires making decisions that not only Gratify you, but MOST IMPORTANT satisfy others.

It means doing things that will keep the peace rather than achieve the goal, and sometimes it means Creating the peace in the first place. Maintaining a Harmonious relationship will not always allow you to take the straight line between two points. You may have to stoop to conquer or yield to win. In too many cases, when dealing with men you will have to sacrifice being right in order to enjoy being loved. Being acknowledged as the head of the household is an especially important thing for many black men, since their manhood is so often actively challenged everywhere else in society.

Many modern women are so independent, so self-sufficient, so committed to the cause, to the church, to career-or their narrow concepts of same, that their entire personalities project an "I don't need a man" message. So they end up without one. An interested man may be initially attracted, but he soon discovers that this sister makes very little space for him in her life.

Going to graduate school is a good goal and an option that previous generations of blacks have not had.

But sometimes the achieving woman will place her boyfriend so low on her list of priorities that his interest wanes. Between work, school and homework, she's seldom "there" for him, for the preliminaries that might develop a commitment to a woman.

She's too busy to prepare him a home-cooked meal or to be a listening ear for his concerns because she is so occupied with her own. Soon he uses her only for uncommitted sex since to him, she appears unavailable for anything else.

Blind to the part she's playing in the problem, she ends up thinking, "Men only want one thing." And she decides she's better off with her family, her girl friends, her degree, and her job, than the relationship. When she's 45, she may wish she set different priorities while she was younger.

It's not just the busy career girl who can't see the forest for the trees. A couple I know were having marital troubles. During one argument, the husband confronted the wife and asked what she thought they should do about the marriage, what direction they should take. She reached for her Bible and turned to Ephesians. "I know what Paul says and I know what Jesus says about marriage," he told her. "What do you say about our marriage?"

Dumbfounded, she could not say anything. Like so many of us, she could recite the Scriptures but could not apply them to everyday living. Before the year was out, the husband had filed for divorce.

Women who focus on civil rights or community activism have vigorous, fighting spirits and are prepared to do whatever, whenever, to benefit black people.

That's good. That's necessary. But it needs to be kept in perspective. It's too easy to save the world and lose your man. A fighting spirit is important on the battlefield, but a gentler spirit is wanted on the home front. Too many women are winning the battle and losing the home. Sometimes in our determined efforts to be strong believers and hard workers, we contemporary women downplay, denigrate or simply forget our more traditional feminine attributes.

Men value women best for the ways we are different from them, not the ways we are the same. Men appreciate us for our grace and beauty. Men enjoy our softness and see it as a way to be in touch with their tender side, a side they dare not show to other men. A hardworking woman is good to have on your committee.

But, when a man goes home, he'd prefer a loving partner to a hard worker. It's not an easy transition for the black woman to make; if it was, so many would have more positive relationships. It sounds submissive, reactionary, outmoded, and to some extreme women, oppressive. We have known so many men who were shaky, jive and untrustworthy. Yet we must admit that we are shaky, jive and willful in our own ways. Not having a husband allows us to do whatever we want, when and how we want to do it. Having one means we have to share the power and many points will have to be surrendered.

We are terrified of marriage and commitment – yet dread the prospect of being single and alone. Throwing ourselves into work seems to fill the void without posing a threat. But like any other drug, the escape eventually becomes the cage.

To make the break, we need to do less and "be" more. I am learning to "be still and know," to be trusting. I am learning to stop competing with black men and to collaborate with them, to temper my assertive and aggressive energy with softness and serenity. I'm not preaching a philosophy of "women should be seen and not heard." But I have come to realize that I and many of my smart and independent sisters are out of touch with our feminine center and therefore out of touch with our men.

[wcrockets]

Yes, what man wants a woman who makes him feel stupid and lacking in some way all the time, doesn't prioritize and respect him above her "political agenda," and power struggles with him over everything resulting in screaming matches on a regular basis. I know I don't.

Good letter.

[sexy365]

i never thought black women scared off their men i just thought they left to find a white woman.

[Common Sense]

Many of the black I've spoken with recently with similar backgrounds of the above mentioned, basically complained that alot of black men today, are just not measuring up period. Therefore limiting their choices for a good mate and provider (at least providing 50%).

[sexy365]

u are right, maybe sense is common.

[wcrockets]

You need to dig into the reasons why that is CM.

Here's one scenario: Sometimes the reason is because the "Princess" of her family is a "gold digger" and not interested in a hard working decent Black man who will remain faithful because he is a man of faith. They are shoppers always in search of the "Bigger and Better Deal" who value appearance and money way more than a steady good man. They are not a good choice for a hard working decent black man. But they are a good choice for the player in the clubs that they frequent so often to use and then lose which also ends up adding to their "attitude." Then they meet you and give you their opinion. Lol..

[sexy365]

seems like somebody got taken for their money, then dissed.

[Q]

lol

[wcrockets]

God bless good women everywhere. They are part of his plan. Peace.

[STREETGANG111]

`

[mickgreen58]

The article had alot of good points. But I also beleive, you cannot pin it all on Black Women either.

I definitely can feel what wcrockets is saying. Seems Black Women these days, only want the player type brotha, at least the ones I know. I know if you dont go out clubing, drive a good car, and are not flashy, I feel you will have a hard time getting a good sista, IMO.

- Mike G.

[ogcjm]

You need to dig into the reasons why that is CM.

Here's one scenario: Sometimes the reason is because the "Princess" of her family is a "gold digger" and not interested in a hard working decent Black man who will remain faithful because he is a man of faith. They are shoppers always in search of the "Bigger and Better Deal" who value appearance and money way more than a steady good man. They are not a good choice for a hard working decent black man. But they are a good choice for the player in the clubs that they frequent so often to use and then lose which also ends up adding to their "attitude." Then they meet you and give you their opinion. Lol..

i also agree with what you said wcrockets hit the nail on the head

[G bka C.rum]

I dont think sistas are scarin off nothin. A real man just aint gonna put up with some woman who thinks runnin somethin just cause she makes more money. A sista that makes it in the world and then looks down on her brotha or thinks that her own kind arent on her level is nothin more than a sell-out hooka whose gonna have to answer for that kind of thinkin someday or shes gonna find herself by herself not knowin why or the last resort find herself with some stubby di*ked white boy who she knows dont satify her but she sells herself short anyway for status. Some of these silly a$$ women dont even understand that society gives them better jobs over the black man on purpose and dont give us sh*t so it seems like we're not qualified and stupid and to make it look like we cant support our families. Me and my woman used to always apply at the same jobs and they always called her back over me no matter what and sometimes I had expirience that she didnt. my woman always made more legal money than me and still always kept it real with me so for these tramps that choose to sell out that aint no excuse

[blkjoker]

This is what it boils down to, men want to feel like men and head of house hold. Women who have it all feel they dont really need a man, and soon as we mess up they throw that in your face. Also they life already planned out and they may tell a man what they want and expect. Like kids and how they want this and that to be. If the man dont measure up they ready to argue with you and let you know. Men don't like to argue. A women like that most are married to there work and on there free time they always chasing there chruch all over the country. Then when it come to the bed room the sleepy and cranky and tired. Dinner not cooked or they skills lacking in the kictchen. They put time limints on things like when its time to have kids or this and that. Try and dress you. Even if you want kids but just not ready they ready to argue. They got high standers and are quicker to get rid of you if one of them standers should fall. They move on to the next brotha, and he be killing the pu$$y out a ruff neck nigga. Something they not use to and he treats her worst then you did but they love that nigga. LOL. Aint that some sh&T.

[Dsmooth]

i never thought black women scared off their men i just thought they left to find a white woman.

Being 17yrs old I feel this way black men go to white women because they really won't put us down.I mean when you listen to radio or watch TV you always hear black women say there aint no good black men.What is a good BLACK MAN??? to those women a good black man is a man who will get them anything they want,give them money every damn weekend for their hair and nails shit like that.Then when the man does'nt do it he's no good then alot of sistahs go after the " THUG" niggas and for what reason.I heard many reasons some say they tough and mess like that but those are the same dudes who will cheat on them then they complain.Then you have the black young men like me the " FUTURE OF BLACK AMERICA" who have to deal with this shit because of ignorant niggas.If more black women would see the light along with black men we would'nt be having this discussion.

[Dsmooth]

This is what it boils down to, men want to feel like men and head of house hold. Women who have it all feel they dont really need a man, and soon as we mess up they throw that in your face. Also they life already planned out and they may tell a man what they want and expect. Like kids and how they want this and that to be. If the man dont measure up they ready to argue with you and let you know. Men don't like to argue. A women like that most are married to there work and on there free time they always chasing there chruch all over the country. Then when it come to the bed room the sleepy and cranky and tired. Dinner not cooked or they skills lacking in the kictchen. They put time limints on things like when its time to have kids or this and that. Try and dress you. Even if you want kids but just not ready they ready to argue. They got high standers and are quicker to get rid of you if one of them standers should fall. They move on to the next brotha, and he be killing the pu$$y out a ruff neck nigga. Something they not use to and he treats her worst then you did but they love that nigga. LOL. Aint that some sh&T.

Ain't that the truth speak it!!!!! most women and girls nowadays can't cook worth shit but they want a dude to do everythang for them. Those Ruffneck niggas ain't worth a food stamp they will be the first to hit the woman,cheat,get her pregnant and leave, what a shame

[Common Sense]

Some black women resort to what they know best. It's not that they want a thug n****, (we really need to get away from this word, it's part of the problem), in most cases, it's what they are used to. Somtime through family, like fathers, uncles and brothers.

It's really not just black women, but black men as well. It is a cycle of disrespect. This cycle does not only affect one group. As far as giving your woman money to get her hair and nails done. If she is a good woman to you, then why not? And vice versa. It goes both ways.

The bottom line is: What type of woman are you selecting for yourself. Not every black woman has isseues with men. If your woman is ghetto fabulous minded, than who's fault is that? You picked her. If you want a woman who is not trippin' on just trying to get paid only or she will go find her a thug, then you need to find a right-oues down woman. They are out there. The question is: Will you recognize..... her?

It takes quality to see quality. If a woman can't see the quality in you, then she most likely doesn't posses these traits. A warning flag for you. If you do decide to go there. Then shame on you. You get what you get.

[Pasa]

I dont think sistas are scarin off nothin. A real man just aint gonna put up with some woman who thinks runnin somethin just cause she makes more money. A sista that makes it in the world and then looks down on her brotha or thinks that her own kind arent on her level is nothin more than a sell-out hooka whose gonna have to answer for that kind of thinkin someday or shes gonna find herself by herself not knowin why or the last resort find herself with some stubby di*ked white boy who she knows dont satify her but she sells herself short anyway for status. Some of these silly a$$ women dont even understand that society gives them better jobs over the black man on purpose and dont give us sh*t so it seems like we're not qualified and stupid and to make it look like we cant support our families. Me and my woman used to always apply at the same jobs and they always called her back over me no matter what and sometimes I had expirience that she didnt. my woman always made more legal money than me and still always kept it real with me so for these tramps that choose to sell out that aint no excuse

YEA I FEEL THAT HOMIE...

[wcrockets]

Well you know there are many dynamics at work. For example, many get played by an older player or gangsta while they still in their teens then dumped. They mistreated basically and then they let themselves get drawn again because of where they are from and the need women have for love and to be told and felt like they loved which the player gives them for a time. They never learn what love really is or how to be a real woman and mother.

[Conman]

No..they are not scaring anybody off....they are just really bitchy and have hella attitudes.........just the way I like em!

[Karma]

im going thru that shit with my girl right now....she just abotu to finish college and this is all i hear about..i mean i got a good job...shit my job take me around the world..(which has really help me on my grind...but anyway)

but she bout to graduate and im proud of her..but she talk about all this shit all the time...all she concetrates on is her homework..i gotta sit and wait all the time for her to make some time...theres nothing wrong with her dedication...but i feel neglected a lot....and when she talks about school...showin me what she learned and shit...i feel like i gotta know all this shit shes talking about....ive helped her write papers for class that she ACED! so how come i feel like the dumb nigga??

i had all different types of jobs..been to career fairs trying to make my life better for me and my son..i know how to make a resume and what to do on a job interview...but when it comes to my experience in these matters its always about what her professors say...."oh no you wrong..this how you do it..this what i LEARNED"

women tend to forget all that shit you learn in school DONT beat experience in the work force...i went to wok right out of highschool..i dont got a college education...but fucc it..im a damn product designer and i go over seas about 3 times a year....im in a real career...stayin away from the bangin.....but she wanna treat me like im just some commin dumb ass hood nigga....and thatas not all the time...just sometimes....


it hurt a man when he feel like he cant do nothign right for his woman..and it hurts a man when he not respected by the ONE person who is supposed to really be holdin him down....it hurts a man when he puts his womans needs above his and she dont bring it back...

women forget that a man needs to feel NEEDED...

[Common Sense]

im going thru that stuff with my girl right now....she just abotu to finish college and this is all i hear about..i mean i got a good job...stuff my job take me around the world..(which has really help me on my grind...but anyway)

..i gotta sit and wait all the time for her to make some time...theres nothing wrong with her dedication...but i feel neglected a lot....and when she talks about school...showin me what she learned and stuff...i feel like i gotta know all this stuff shes talking about....ive helped her write papers for class that she ACED! so how come i feel like the dumb nigga??

women tend to forget all that stuff you learn in school DONT beat experience in the work force...i went to wok right out of highschool..i dont got a college education...but fucc it..im a damn product designer and i go over seas about 3 times a year....im in a real career...stayin away from the bangin.....but she wanna treat me like im just some commin dumb ass hood nigga....and thatas not all the time...just sometimes....


it hurt a man when he feel like he cant do nothign right for his woman..and it hurts a man when he not respected by the ONE person who is supposed to really be holdin him down....it hurts a man when he puts his womans needs above his and she dont bring it back...

women forget that a man needs to feel NEEDED...

Karma:

You sound like a good man to your woman. She's probably going through some growing pains now that she's in college. It happens to alot of couple's that are undergoing change. You shouldn't feel like you have to compete with her school work. There will be new information she will know and you won't know, but the beauty of a solid relationship is learning from one another. Have her teach you what she is learning and you teach her about life's experiences. That way you both grow together instead of apart as so many couple's do. unfortunatly college can be like a full time job.

Just continue to support her and her schedule and give her a hand when she needs it. I don't know how old your girl is, but if she's younger than you, she might be trying for the first to be just as knowledgable as you.

All you can do is...Do the right thing. You should not have to do more than your half. If you are carrying the whole emotional load the the relationship...your already on the losing end. You don not have to give up your self respect in order to be kool.

My philosophy on dating and relationships is: Do you care about my well-being? If you don't care about it..then the relationship is on borrowed time.
Caring about someone's well-being in the relationship is almost synonomous with respect.

Here is another secret: Woman have poor odds of finding a good man as of 2004. This is the... "I Gotta Get Mine At Your Expense Generation".
So the odds are in your favor. Women are shopping like crazy just for a descent 'C' average man. Never forget that. I know a grip of woman looking for the very qualities you possess.

never...Never...NEVER... EVER...CASH IN YOUR SELF RESPECT. Once you do that, you are soon to be FIRED.


I'll tell a woman in a minute. If you can find better..then you need to take it.

Good Luck

CS

[Conman]

it hurt a man when he feel like he cant do nothign right for his woman..and it hurts a man when he not respected by the ONE person who is supposed to really be holdin him down....it hurts a man when he puts his womans needs above his and she dont bring it back...

women forget that a man needs to feel NEEDED...

HMMMMM........There is good advice from CS ^above^.....but homie stop being so damn sensitive. It hurt...it hurt.....damn.

I'm not clownin...lol

Ask yourself a question....Do you want to be needed or wanted by your women?? Swallow that....let it marinate, then take action. It could hurt......lol.

[Karma]

it hurt a man when he feel like he cant do nothign right for his woman..and it hurts a man when he not respected by the ONE person who is supposed to really be holdin him down....it hurts a man when he puts his womans needs above his and she dont bring it back...

women forget that a man needs to feel NEEDED...

HMMMMM........There is good advice from CS ^above^.....but homie stop being so damn sensitive. It hurt...it hurt.....damn.

I'm not clownin...lol

Ask yourself a question....Do you want to be needed or wanted by your women?? Swallow that....let it marinate, then take action. It could hurt......lol.

maybe hurt was too strong a word....LoL...but that shit do get FRUSTRATING....yea...that sound a lot better..LoL

[Conman]

it hurt a man when he feel like he cant do nothign right for his woman..and it hurts a man when he not respected by the ONE person who is supposed to really be holdin him down....it hurts a man when he puts his womans needs above his and she dont bring it back...

women forget that a man needs to feel NEEDED...

HMMMMM........There is good advice from CS ^above^.....but homie stop being so damn sensitive. It hurt...it hurt.....damn.

I'm not clownin...lol

Ask yourself a question....Do you want to be needed or wanted by your women?? Swallow that....let it marinate, then take action. It could hurt......lol.

maybe hurt was too strong a word....LoL...but that stuff do get FRUSTRATING....yea...that sound a lot better..LoL

^^Yeeaah.....frustration is going to happen homie.

[Guest]

.

[sexy365]

SOMEBODY NEED TO STEP UP!

[Karma]

SOMEBODY NEED TO STEP UP!

LOL

[jerzeechick1]

the real question is are black men scarin off their women... i mean im a black woman who does her best to hold her man down and do anything he asks of me.
me, im a real person if you do right by me im there for you 100% naw mean, ill be with u thru thick and thin. ill be with you when ya azz really need some1 to depend on. but i cant seem to find that 1 tru azz nigga that will do the same for me. all i hear is u pretty, i love u, ill hold shyt down 4 u, u the 1 i want. but when it comes down to it, they really dont know what they want. they always wanna fucc up, not once or twice, then when i leave and they realize what they let go, they wanna come back. im tired of playin around and shit. i feel if im with some1, we should build together. its not about what u have to give me and shyt like that its about sharin.

lifes a game and a person needs some1 to be on they team thru losses and wins.

[alexalonso]

No..they are not scaring anybody off....they are just really bitchy and have hella attitudes.........just the way I like em!

well i think the bitchy attitude is the reason.

[Mcminister]

yesterday comin from a holloween party, i seen this essay beatin the shit out his grl live in the middle of the streets in downtown htown, he was beatin her like she a dude.

[justice league]

yesterday comin from a holloween party, i seen this essay beatin the shit out his grl live in the middle of the streets in downtown htown, he was beatin her like she a dude.

and did anyone do anything? or was it just the same ol' same?