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Streetgangs Magazine

How Many Times Will I Have to Die!

By Madd Ronald for Streetgangs Magazine
July 17, 2003

MY FATHER (NEW YORK) WAS THE COLDEST PIMP THAT I HAVE EVER KNOWN. HE GOT DOWN WITH THE GAME FOR DECADES. THE WHOLE WHILE THAT HE WAS HUSTLIN' HE STAYED TRUE TO THE GAME. HE OBEYED EVERY RULE. HE DIDN'T DO THE DRUG SCENE LIKE MOST OF THE WASHED UP PIMPS DID. HE ALWAYS WARNED ME AND MY BROTHERS ABOUT USING DRUGS. NOW HE IS IN HIS 60'S AND HE HAS RETIRED HIS LIFE OF PIMPISM. HIS GAME WILL ALWAYS LIVE ON. WE NOW LIVE IN TIMES WHEN THE GAME IS EXPLOITED BY THOSE THAT WERE BORN TOO LATE TO PARTICIPATE OR THOSE THAT WERE TOO SQUARE TO GET DOWN. THIS IS ANOTHER FACET OF MY LIFE. I AM NOT A PIMP MYSELF, BUT I WAS SEASONED BY SOME OF L.A.'S BEST. MY ROLE MODELS WERE NOT DOCTORS AND LAWYERS, WHEN I WAS GROWING UP. THERE WERE PIMPS AND HUSTLERS IN MY NEIGHBOR HOOD. THERE WERE NO JOBS SO EVERYONE ADMIRED A MAN THAT KNEW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF. DOCTORS, LAWYERS AND ALL OF THE MYTHOLOGICAL FIGURES THAT WE SHOULD ADMIRE DON'T LIVE IN THE HOOD THAT I GREW UP IN.

MY ROLE MODELS WERE THE ESCAPING WHERE THEY CAME FROM AND DENYING ALL KNOWLEDGE OF EVER LIVING IN THAT GANG INFESTED, COMMUNITY OF DRUGS AND VIOLENCE. I WAS NEVER TURNED OUT; I WAS BORN TO THE GAME. THE GAME HAS BEEN A PART OF ME, AS LONG AS I HAVE BEEN A PART OF IT. I TOLD MY 13 YEAR OLD SON RONALD2 THAT, IF HE EVER JOINED A GANG, I WILL KILL HIM MYSELF. I TOLD HIM, "I AM THE ONE THAT GAVE YOU YOUR LIFE AND I WILL BE THE ONE TO TAKE YOUR LIFE." I TOLD HIM THAT I WAS SENDING HIM TO JOBCOR WHEN HE TURNS 16. HE THINKS THAT I AM BEING MEAN BUT IN THE FUTURE HE WILL REALIZE THAT I HAD A PRECONCEIVED PLAN TO SAVE HIS LIFE. HE DOES NOT REALIZE THAT I HAVE NEVER BEEN ANYWHERE OR DONE ANYTHING. HE HIMSELF HAS THE OPPURTUNITY TO DO ANYTHING AND GO ANYWHERE. MAYBE HE WILL APPRECIATE ME WHEN HE FINDS OUT HOW HARD MY LIFE WAS. THE HOOD IS A MOBILIZING ZONE OF MILITARIZATION. THINGS ARE CONSTANTLY CHANGING AROUND US. THE LAST TIME THAT I CHECKED, IT WAS STILL RAINING BULLETS. THE BIRD OVER HEAD IS FOLLOWING ME CLOSELY AS I RUN FROM YARD TO YARD, IN THE COLD NIGHT AIR. THE MORE I SWEAT, THE CLOSER THEY GET. FROM THE SKY MY BODY HEAT EXPOSES ME TO THE HEAT SEEKING, TRACKING DEVICES THAT ARE BEING PUT TO USE BY THE EYE IN THE SKY. BLACK AND WHITE CARS SCREAM THROUGH THE STREET TRYING TO LAY BACK JUST ENOUGH SO THAT YOU CAN'T HEAR THEM COMING. I WILL REMAIN AMONG THE SHADOWS AND TREES, I HEAR A SOUND. I TURN AND AN L.A.P.D. K-9 POLICE DOG JUMPED INTO MY FACE OUT OF THE DARKNESS.

THE WORLD IS CLOSING IN ON ME. THERE IS NO ROOM FOR ME TO MOVE. MY ACTIVITIES ARE CLOSELY MONITORED. I AM EITHER LOOKING UP AT THE WALL OR THROUGH THE FENCE. I HAVE LIFTED ALL OF THE WEIGHTS THAT I COULD LIFT. I HAVE TALKED ON THE PHONE FOR AS LONG AS I COULD TALK. I HAVE WRITTEN ALL OF MY LETTERS AND HAVE NOW RETURNED FROM THE CHOWHALL. I EXERCISE MY BODY IN THE MORNING. ARMS, CHEST, LEGS, ETC. TO BUILD THE MIND IS TO BUILD THE BODY. TONIGHT I WILL GO TO THE LIBRARY. IF I AM LUCKY I WILL BE FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO FIND BOOKS LIKE "BLOOD IN MY EYE" BY GEORGE JACKSON OR I WILL STUDY THE UNITED STATES CONSTITUTION ALONG WITH ALL 27 AMENDMENTS. UPON MY PAROLE, I WISH TO BE DUALLY ENDOWED, MIND AND BODY. I HAVE BENCHPRESSED 300 POUNDS. I HAVE BACK ARMED 200 POUNDS. I HAVE READ 312 BOOKS. THAT IS THE WAY THAT YOU GET YOUR MIND OUT OF JAIL. "LEARN SOMETHING WHILE YOU ARE IN THERE, THAT WILL KEEP YOU ON THE STREET. THE ALLEYS OF MY HOOD HAVE 10 FOOT SECURITY FENCES AT BOTH ENDS OF THEM. BY LOCKING UP ALL OF THE TRASH IN THE ALLEYS AND KEEPING THE HOMELESS RECYCLERS OUT. IS THAT WHAT MAKES OUR NEIGHBORHOOD SAFER FROM CRIME? THERE ARE SECURITY GATES BEING PUT AROUND EVERY COMMUNITY SURROUNDING THE WESTSIDE ROLLIN' 20'S. IS THAT TO KEEP THE RESIDENTS IN OR TO KEEP THE ROLLIN' 20'S NEIGHBORHHOD BLOODS OUT? I AM A NATIVE OF WEST ADAMS, THE HEART OF THE ROLLIN' 20'S. I WENT TO SCHOOL ON SUGAR HILL. I WENT TO JAIL ON ADAMS BLVD. I HAVE HUSTLED ON THESE DANGEROUS STREETS. I HAVE FOUGHT FOR MY NEIGHBORHOOD. IT WAS OUR RIGHT TO INHERIT NEIGHBORHOOD FROM THE O/G'S. WE PUT THE "B" IN THE GAME AND PASSED IT DOWN TO THE Y/G'S. WE MADE A CONTRIBUTION OF TWO FINGERS (FOR TWENTIES) TO THE PINKY AND THUMB THAT WE ACKNOWLEDGE EVERYONE WITH. WE TURNED THE OLD SCHOOL INTO THE NEW SCHOOL, WE MADE Y/G'S FROM O/G'S. I WAS SCHOOLED BY BLOODS THAT WORE LEATHER JACKETS, BRIMS, AND ROMEOS. SOME WORE STACEY ADAMS OR BISCUITS. THAT WAS FIRST AND SECOND GENERATION SHIT. LET ME CLARIFY MY STATUS AS AN O/G ROLLIN' 20'S BLOOD. I AM 3RD GENERATION NEIGHBORHOOD, FIRST GENERATION NEIGHBORHOOD BLOOD.THAT MAKES THE "B" A PART OF ME. BLOOD FLOWS THROUGH MY VEINS JUST THE SAME AS BLOOD FLOWS THROUGH THE WORLD. FROM THE NATIVE BLOODS OF WASHINGTON STATE, TO THE GRIMEY BLOODS OF THE EASTCOAST, LET MY BLOOD FLOW DEEP!! "WHAT IT BLEED LIKE?

IF IT'S FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE FUTURE I DEMAND TO "B" THE FIRST SACRIFICE. THE VALUE OF LIVING IS FAR MORE GREATER THAN THE SACRIFICE OF ONE LIFE. TO LOVE LIFE, IS TO APPRECIATE AND RESPECT EVERYDAY OF LIFE. THERE ARE SOON TO BE NO MORE MARTIN LUTHER KINGS OR JAMES BALDWINS, BECAUSE WE ARE SACRIFICING THEM TO THE GANG LIFE. WE ARE LOSING OUR MOST ARTICULATE INDIVIDUALS. WHAT IS TO BECOME OF US AS A RACE? WE MUST NOW PROTECT AND SHELTER OUR SONS. THEY ARE THE SEEDS OF OUR NEXT GENERATIONS EXISTENCE AND PROLIFERATION. THEY ARE THE BEARERS OF OUR LAST NAMES THAT ARE PASSED DOWN FROM GENERATION TO GENERATION. I DIED A THOUSAND TIMES AS A YOUNGSTER GROWING UP AMONG THE MADDNESS OF L.A.'S BLOODS AND CRIPS. SO MANY BODIES HAVE FALLEN THAT I HAVE NOW LOST TRACK OF THE BODY COUNT. I AM A BLOOD, I DIED IN VIET NAM AND DID TIME IN THE HANOI HILTON. I AM BLOOD, I EVOLVED FROM SOCIAL DISCONTENTMENT AND RESISTANCE. IN THE PAST I WAS JUST BLACK, BUT NOW I AM RED. WHEN WE BOND IN RESISTANCE, YOU CALL ME BLOOD. IN THE PAST IF I WAS BLOOD, I WAS YOUR BROTHER. THE OLD PLAYERS DON'T KNOW MY NAME, SO THEY PAY THEIR RESPECTS TO ME BY CALLING ME"YOUNGBLOOD." I DIED IN THE STREETS OF WEST ADAMS FOR REPRESENTING ROLLIN' 20'S NEIGHBORHOOD BLOODS, TO THE FULLEST. SEVEN DAYS LATER I WAS BURIED, EXCUSE ME , I SAID THAT THIS WOULD NOT BE ANOTHER MACHIAVELLIAN SMOKESCREEN (LAST VICTIM OF GANG VIOLENCE). MY YOUNG HOMEBOY JUST PASSED AND I DIED AGAIN. IN THE FUTURE THERE WILL BE A NEED TO GENETICALLY REPRODUCE SO THAT THE BLACK WOMEN CAN PROLIFERATE OUR EXISTENCE. SELF DESTRUCTION AND GENOCIDE ARE AMONG US.

WE ARE FIGHTING A LOSING FIGHT AND THERE ARE NO WINNERS. TO A YOUTH LIVING IN LOS ANGELES, LIFE MAY NOT HAVE ANY VALUE. KIDS WATCH THEIR CHILDHOOD FRIENDS DIE IN THE HOOD, FOR THE HOOD. SO THIS MAKES THEM BELIEVE IT IS THEIR CALLING TO "B" FROM THE HOOD. THERE ARE MASSES OF YOUNG PEOPLE THAT ARE LIVING TO FIGHT FOR THEIR NEIGHBORHOODS. THEY KNOW THAT IN ORDER TO STAY ALIVE IN L.A YOU HAVE GOT TO FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE. THE VALUE OF CIVILIAN LIFE IN THE 20'S IS THAT, FOR EVERY ONE BLOOD THAT DIES, TEN CIVILIANS WILLINGLY JOIN UP WITH THE BLOODS BY CHOICE. I DIED ONCE IN A DRIVE-BY SHOOTING, ANOTHER TIME I WAS KILLED AS AN INNOCENT BY-STANDER. I DIDN'T DIE WHEN THEY SHOT ME ON THE CORNER OF RAYMOND AND ADAMS IN 1985.

I WAS KILLED EXECUTION-STYLE BY MY ENEMIES. THEY DUCT TAPED ME TO A CHAIR AND SHOT ME IN THE HEAD TWICE. I WAS DRAGGED OUTSIDE AND SHOT SIX TIMES IN THE HEART. I GOT KILLED BY A COWARD, THAT SHOT ME ONCE IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD. HE HAD TO BE A BUSTER, HE COULDN'T LOOK INTO MY EYES BEFORE MAKING ME DEAD. I DIE EVERY TIME A MOTHER CRIES FROM LOSING THEIR BABIES TO THIS CRAZY ASS LIFESTYLE. I CRY EVERYTIME THE BLACK PLAGUE OF DEATH TAKES ONE OF THE BABIES THAT WE CALL YOUNG HOMIES.

I DIED WITH BABY TIPPY ON THE FOURTH OF JULY AND I DIED WITH ISEMAN ON FRIDAY THE 13TH LAST JUNE. I DIED IN A SHOOTNG ON HALLOWEEN.

WE HAVE NOW MOURNED OUR "B"LOVED HOMIES ISEMAN AND J.B. WE LOST ISEMAN TO THE STREETS, BUT GOD TOOK J.B. NOW I MOURN THE LOSS OF BABY TIPPY, I WRITE ABOUT YOU AS I CRY ABOUT YOU. HE WAS YOUNG ENOUGH TO BE MY SON, BUT I LOOKED OUT FOR HIM LIKE HE WAS MY LITTLE BROTHER. HE RODE BACK WITH ME, FROM THE FUNERAL OF Y/G LIL DOG FROM BLACK-P-STONE (CONSCIOUS REVOLUTION). WE ACTUALLY DISCUSSED RELIGION, LIFE, DEATH AND GANGBANGIN' WE DISCUSSED GANG INTERVENTION, HE FELT THAT THERE WAS NO HOPE IN SIGHT. I ASKED ABOUT HIS LIFE AND HIS FEELINGS, HE SAID,"YOU KNOW HOW THINGS ARE OUT HERE IT'S FUCKED UP." THAT IS A VERY POPULAR ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION IN L.A., ASK ANY YOUNGSTER. ALL GREAT MEN WERE BORN INTO THEIR OWN PLACE IN TIME. WHAT WILL TIME BE WORTH, WHEN WE HAVE MURDERED ALL OF THE GREATEST MEN AMONG US. I DON'T THINK OF MYSELF AS GREAT, BUT I WAS BORN INTO A FUCKED UP PLACE IN TIME.

AM I HAUNTED OR AM I WANTED? I MUST ADDRESS THAT QUESTION TO MY HIGHER POWER. L.A. IS PLAGUED WITH DEATH AND WE ARE OUR OWN WORST ENEMIES. HOW MANY TIMES WILL I HAVE TO DIE? BEFORE WE REALIZE, THAT, "TO KILL ONE BLACK MAN IS TO KILL AN ENTIRE GENERATION OF BLACK." PEOPLE. WILL I REALLY HAVE TO MAKE MY POINT AND REALLY GO OUT AS THE LAST VICTIM OF GANG VIOLENCE? OR AM I SENTENCED TO INFINITELY WONDER, HOW MANY TIMES WILL I HAVE TO DIE? FORGIVE US FOR THE DAMAGE THAT WE HAVE CAUSED FOR WE KNOW NOT WHAT IT IS THAT WE ARE DOING. "B" THE STREETS MY CHURCH, MY RED FLAG "B" MY CROSS. CRUCIFY ME AND NAIL ME TO THAT CROSS SO THAT THE SINS OF ALL GANG MEMBERS SHALL "B" FORGIVEN (POWER OF WORDS).

THEY SNUCK INTO MY HOUSE AND KILLED ME IN MY SLEEP.THEY PUT A PILLOW OVER MY HEAD AND PRESED THE BARRELL OF THEIR GUN INTO IT TO MUFFLE THE SOUND OF THE SHOT. THEY THEN PULLED THE TRIGGER AND BLEW MY BRAINS ALL OVER MY BED SHEETS. I AM O/G/B MADD RONALD FROM WESTSIDE ROLLIN' 20'S NEIGHBORHOOD BLOODS. SINCE I AM A BLOOD, I AM ONE OF THE MOST HATED OF ALL. I HAVE BEEN DYING FOR THE LAST 28 YEARS IN THE STREETS OF L.A. MY BLOOD STILL STAINS THE SIDEWALKS OF ADAMS BLVD, AS A REMINDER OF HOW MANY TIMES, I HAVE DIED. THEY JUMPED OUT OF THEIR VAN BEARING AUTOMATIC WEAPONS. MY RED SHOE LACES SPOKE FOR THEMSELVES. THEY SET MY CHEST ABLAZE WITH GUNFIRE. THEY HEARD ME GASPING FOR MY FINAL BREATHS, WHILE BLOOD BUBBLED OUT OF MY MOUTH. THEY GAVE A GUN TO THEIR YOUNG.

HOMEBOY AND TOLD HIM TO "FINISH THE JOB!!" BOOM!! BOOM!! THERE WERE TWO SHOTS, BUT I WAS DEAD AFTER THE FIRST ONE. I HATED CRIPS FOR 22 YEARS. NOW I CAN NO LONGER HATE ANYMORE. I HAVE REALIZED THAT, " THROUGH MY SELF HATRED I WAS BREEDING SELF DESTRUCTION." OUR ANCESTORS WERE LYNCHED, HUNG AND DEHUMANIZED BECAUSE OF THE COLOR OF THEIR SKIN. THESE DAYS WE DEHUMANIZE ONE ANOTHER BECAUSE OF THE COLOR THAT WE HAVE CHOSEN TO ROLL WITH.

AUGUST 2ND MAKES ME 36 YEARS OLD. I WILL HAVE BEEN A ROLLIN' 20'S BLOOD FOR 28 YEARS. I HAVE NEVER HAD THE CHANCE TO DROP OUT. I HAVE SEEN MASSES OF PEOPLE DROP OUT. SOME LEFT THE NEIGHBORHOOD AND STARTED FAMILIES, SOME GOT JOBS, SOME HAD FOUND THEIR HIGHER POWER OR CONSCIOUSNESS. WHATEVER IT "B" IT GOT THEM OUT. IF I AM FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO SURVIVE FOR 48 MORE MONTHS, I WILL HAVE BEEN A BLOOD FOR 30 YEARS. I MIGHT TAKE A CHANCE AND WALK OUT OF ALL OF THIS WITH MY NAME AND RESPECT FULLY INTACT AFTER 30 YEARS. I MAY HAVE TO VENTURE DEEP WITHIN MY OWN SOUL TO FIGURE OUT, WHO I REALLY AM. I MIGHT BECOME A SQUARE AND WRITER BOOKS ABOUT A MYTHOLOGICAL CHARACTER CALLED "MADD RONALD." I MAY DECIDE TO STOP LIVING FOR MYSELF AND SEEK A SOUL MATE FOR MARRIAGE. SO THAT THEN I MAY HAVE SOMEONE ELSE TO LIVE FOR. I MIGHT WALK RIGHT OFF OF THE FACE OF THE EARTH. THAT'S NOT THAT HARD IN L.A. I MAY BE FOUND LIVING IN A CARDBOARD CONDO, ON A DOWNTOWN (SKID ROW) SIDEWALK OR HOLLYWOOD OR MAC ARTHUR PARK (IN L.A.). THE WORLD WOULD HAVE TO STEP OVER ME TO PASS. NO ONE WOULD EVEN CARE THAT THIS IS O/G/B MADD RONALD FROM THE 20'S. THEY WON'T KNOW THAT I GOT MY BLOOD ON FOR 22 CONSECUTIVE YEARS WITH NO KUT. THEY WOULD NEVER REALIZE THAT I AM ONE OF THE MOST RESPECTED ROLLIN' 20'S BLOODS. THAT MEANS THAT NO ONE WOULD BE INTERESTED IN WHY I HAVE A RED CARD BOARD BOX TO LIVE IN. THEY WON'T REALIZE EVEN THOUGH I AM NOT INSIDE OF THE HOOD THE HOOD IS STILL INSIDE OF ME.I WILL HAVE NO MATERIAL POSSESSIONS. I WILL HAVE NO MONETARY NEEDS. I WON'T EVEN HAVE A DOLLAR IN MY POCKET. I MAY BE WEARING ALL OF THE CLOTHING THAT I OWN IN THIS WORLD, BUT I WOULD STILL BE HAPPY. I WOULD BE HAPPY BECAUSE AFTER 30 YEARS ON THE SETT, I MADE IT OUT WITH MY LIFE. I HAVE WITNESSED THE FINALITY OF DEATH WILL IT BE MY FATE TO BE WITNESSED AS ANOTHER FATALITY OF L.A.'S MEAN WAYS? L.A. HAS GOT TO BE THE HOME OF ONE OF THE BLOODIEST WARS TO EVER TAKE PLACE IN NORTH AMERICA.

MALCOLM X WOULD ROLL OVER IN HIS GRAVE, IF HE COULD SEE THE CONDITIONS OF GENOCIDE THAT WE (OURSELVES) HAVE INFLICTED UPON OUR PEOPLE. I SAW MORE THAN 700 ROLLIN' 20'S NEIGHBORHOOD BLOODS PAY THEIR LAST RESPECTS TO OUR "B"LOVED ISEMAN, LAST WEEK. I WAS AMAZED TO SEE THE 20'S IN SUCH MASSIVE NUMBERS. SOME ARE SAYING, THERE WAS 1,000 OF US. I HOPE THE DAY THAT I DIE, THAT THE ROLLIN' 20'S LOVE ME AS MUCH AS THEY LOVE ISEMAN. I DIED AT HIS VIEWING, WHEN I SAW MY CHILDHOOD FRIEND LAYING THERE LIFELESS AND INANIMATE. I DIED AGAIN WHEN I TOUCHED HIS COLD HAND AND DID NOT FEEL HIS WARM PULSE. THAT DIDN'T FEEL LIKE THE HAND THAT HAD SHAKEN MY HAND SO MANY TIMES WHEN WE WERE GROWING UP.

THE REALEST THING IN LIFE IS DEATH. WE ALL HAVE GOT TO DIE. I EMBRACE DEATH INTO MY LIFE EVERYDAY. LIFE IS HARD AND IT IS GETTING HARDER. I AM VERY AWARE THAT THERE IS NO ONE THAT IS PROBLEM-FREE. I ENDURE THE STRESS OF LIFE EVERYDAY. NOT ONLY FOR MYSELF BUT ALSO FOR MANY OTHERS THAT CAN'T ENDURE THE STRESS. IMAGINE YOUR EVERYDAY STRESS OF JUST TRYING TO GET BY FROM DAY TO DAY COMBINED WITH MY STRESS OF TRYING NOT TO GET KILLED. THAT IS WHAT I GO THROUGH EVERYDAY. I DIED WITH MY HOMEGIRL HEEBOE FROM ROLLIN' 20'S BLOODS, WHEN THEY KILLED HER 4 TIMES WITH AN AK47 AT THE BEEHIVE. SHE MUST SERVE A SUPREME PURPOSE TO GOD, BECAUSE HE SENT HER BACK TO US TO FINISH SERVING HER PURPOSE. SHE WAS GRANTED HER 2ND LIFE. I DON'T HAVE ANYMORE FEELINGS, SO I CAN NO LONGER BE SAD. THE MENTION OF THE WORD DEATH MAKES MY HEAD SPIN SO BAD THAT I FEEL LIKE, I WANT TO FALL DOWN, BUT I AM SCARED TO FALL BECAUSE, I MAY NOT BE GETTING BACK UP. I AM ALL CRIED OUT, SO I HAVE NO MORE TEARS. I CAN NO LONGER MOURN FOR ALL THOSE THAT I HAVE LOSS. I MUST CELEBRATE THE MEMORIES OF THEIR LIVES. I WILL NOT BE SELFISH. IT WAS A BLESSING TO KNOW YOU ALL. IT WAS A GIFT TO HAVE THE OPPURTUNITY TO SHARE YOUR MOMENTS IN TIME. WHEN I WAS A KID MY FATHER WOULD COSTANTLY LACE ME WITH GAME IN MANY DIFFERENT WAYS. THEY SAY THAT, " THE GAME IS TO BE SOLD, NOT TOLD." SO I WILL LEAVE YOU WITH A PINCH OF WHAT I WAS TOLD," THERE ARE TWO KINDS OF MEN IN THIS WORLD. THOSE THAT ACT BAD AND THOSE THAT ARE BAD ACTORS. "B" SAFE.

O/G/B MADD RONALD WESTSIDE ROLLIN' 20'S NEIGHBORHOOD BLOODS.

A MOMENT OF PHILOSOPHY: THE KEY TO STAYING ALIVE IS NOT MAKING PEOPLE WANT SEE YOU DEAD.. LIVE LIFE AND LOVE IT, THE ONLY THING THAT IS REAL IN LIFE IS DEATH.

Contact Madd Ronald

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